Costumes for the slutty witch on a budget

Halloween has had two major advancements since the invention of the snack-sized Snickers: its adoption by the gay community (and such wonderful things you’ve done with it!) and the propagation of “sexy” costumes for lazy/secretly slutty people who think the scariest thing about October is the lack of cleavage (and make me horribly conflicted about this Sexy Optimus affair). But Halloween is less than two weeks away, so you’ve got to get on it. Maybe you’re going the “sexy” route and don’t have enough time to whore up your own clothing. Did you know there’s a bountiful booty of sexy costumes available for less than $20 online? See a few of your budget choices (boys and girls):

Sexy boner:

Includes: Boxer shorts, “package enhancer.” Only $8 to fake a boner! Or you could get a real one which, according to my middle school days, can be achieved by riding a bus or being forced to give a presentation in front of class.

Sexy “Greed Sinner“:

Includes: “Top, skirt, jacket, and belt with credit card accessories.” Or maybe you already own all these things?

Sexy doctor:

If you want to pay $15 for a fancy coat with the words “Dr. Love” on it, this is your costume, because in only includes: the coat and face mask. Does not include pants. No pants doctor! Now that’s a sexy doctor.

“Sexy” Situation:

Only $15, but the lifetime of dignity loss is priceless.

Sexy cop:

Reno 911 fantasies, anyone?

Sexy Courtney Love

Only $10 to look like the hottest mess of the 90s! Or you could steal this outfit from your neighbor when she’s out trying to sneak backstage at some Shea Stadium CMJ show.

Sexy one-eyed monster:

This one … actually this one is probably worth the $17.