If you know what’s good for you this holiday, you won’t be setting foot anywhere near Katz’s or Serendipity. While all those lousy Manhattanites are piddling around trying to recreate scenes from rom-coms, we of Brooklyn have you all set up with a bunch of better ideas for the big day and the week leading up to it. None of our suggestions will cost you $1,000, and every single one gives you the chance to do what this borough does best—either with somebody special, or a total stranger!
Bazaar Love
Saturday, February 7 and Sunday, February 8, 12pm-6pm
250 Van Brunt Street, Red Hook
First in our lineup of holiday craft markets, this little bazaar is having its first crack at the Brooklyn scene. There’ll be about ten NY-based artists selling jewelry, paintings, craft spirits and greetings cards. If you can’t stand to wander bigger, warehouse-style fairs like the ones listed below, this is probably your best bet for gift shopping.
Greenpointers Valentine Market
Sunday February 8, 1pm-7pm
Greenpoint Loft, 67 West Street, 5th fl, Greenpoint
FREE
Holy gift-shopping, Batman! The mecca of local holiday markets shacks up in North Brooklyn this weekend, with over 60 vendors hawking various crafty tchotchkes for eating, drinking and owning. Definitely check out the full vendor list if you wanna; but we can tell you right now, the #1 find at the market will be the newest edition of our Beer Books. Ah, and what would a holiday fair be without free stuff? Massages, personal haikus, and a photobooth are all gratis.
The Queer Expressions Valentine’s Fair
Sunday February 8, 11am-6pm
Littlefield Bar, 622 Degraw St, Park Slope
FREE, with two-drink minimum
21+
For an alternative to the above—unless you’ve got the ambition to hit both—head over to a similarly-themed all day event hosted by Arts & Queers. Featuring over 40 different crafts vendors, it’s another great place to get that perfectly quirky gift for your Valentine. Live DJ, vegan hot dogs, tarot readings, body painting, and everyone’s favorite souvenir machine (a photobooth).
Meet my Owner: Singles Mixer for Pet Lovers
Tuesday, February 10, 7:30pm
Park Slope Ale House, 356 6th Avenue, Park Slope
$7
21+
Strangely, pets of any kind are unlikely to be allowed at this mixer for pet-lovers since it’ll be inside of a service establishment. Which means the only way you can convey your pet-loving nature is by, like, TALKING to other people about it. Ewww! But I guess there’s no shortage of ways to flirt about chinchillas. An easy, early evening to share in the wonders of modern domestication over a few beers. Raffle, too! The mixer’s organizers are no strangers to the gender disparity of singles’ nights: looks like ladies can bring up to 2 single males for free. Yeesh.
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Friends of Single People
Wednesday, February 11, 8pm
Littlefield Bar, 622 Degraw St, Park Slope
$5
21+
Everybody’s favorite dating game is back with a holiday special. Among a variety of serial events hosted by comedian Jo Firestone, this is the one where you get to represent your single friends onstage in a live dating game. And the stakes are very real: the events brags five couples who are still in relationships today. So hey, if your name gets picked, you might just find someone here to be your Valentine! All orientations welcome.
Tinder LIVE! Valentine’s Day Spectacular, with the cast of OITNB
Wednesday, February 11, 8pm
The Knitting Factory, 361 Metropolitan Avenue, Williamsburg
$10
21+
For all the single Tinder users out there, this night of interactive live-app comedy hosted by Lane Moore is sure to make you feel a little better about spending your Valentine’s Day swiping. In addition to holiday kicks, Lane’s show will also feature Orange is the New Black celebs Beth Fowler, Connie Shulman, Laura Gomez and Lin Tucci.
Whiskey Tasting at the Greene Grape Wine & Spirits
Friday, February 13, 5pm-7pm
The Greene Grape, 765 Fulton Street, Fort Greene
FREE
21+
Kings County Distillery is paying visit to this little wine shop, and so should you! They’ll be sampling some of their chocolate whiskey, as well as answering any burning questions you might have—like how the heck they got it to taste like that. Great stop to make on your way home to prep everything for the next day’s festivities. And who knows, if that chocolate whiskey is really something special, it might just be your bottle of choice for ringing in the day-of.
Brooklyn Beer & Ballroom: Valentine’s Day Special
Friday, February 13, 6:30pm-8pm
Dancewave, 182 4th Avenue, Park Slope
$15 (includes first beer)
After the success of its inaugural event last week, BK’s newest outfit for amateur swing dancing is back! It’s a holiday special for all those lonely, aspiring Astaires in the borough. No partner necessary (although you’re free to come as a couple), no experience required. This throwback of a singles’ night oughta get you nice and primed for the modern-day deluge of commercialism on the 14th. Whoever said “Don’t drink and dance?” Registration is limited, so RSVP is required.
Side Ponytail: Bloody Valentine Edition
Friday, February 13, 9pm
Bar Matchless, 557 Manhattan Avenue, Greenpoint
$5
A guaranteed good time awaits when you pair reasons to laugh with reasons to dance. Matchless brings you the best of both under the moniker of an 80s hairdo: night starts off with a laugh-out-loud comedy lineup including Matteo Lane and Christi Chiello, followed by a winning DJ set that’ll keep you moving from 10:30pm ’til last call. Doors open early, so get a good seat!
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First Comes Love: A Different Comedy Show
Friday, February 13, 9:30pm
Pine Rock Box Shop, 13 Grattan Street, Bushwick
FREE
21+
NSFW: simply put, this zany show features a team of willing and mildly-famous comedians performing porn scenes live on request. Hoo boy. Well, now’s a good a time as any to remind yourself of all the kink that’s out there, happening every minute, while you’re sipping champagne and doing tame things with your boo like watching When Harry Met Sally. Oh, and be careful what kind of weird scene you request at this event—they’ve been known to solicit audience participation.
Factory Tour: Whiskey Wars!
Saturday, February 14, 5pm-6:30pm
BLDG 92, Brooklyn Navy Yard, 63 Flushing Avenue, Fort Greene
$15
21+
Since you already know you’ll be swimming in hot toddies, bourbon truffles and other whiskey-inspired fare next Saturday, why not treat yourself to a little whisky history (whiskery?) beforehand at this walking tour of the moonshine factory BLDG92? Hosted by the resident Kings County Distillery, the tour features tales of prohibition and scandals galore—not to mention plenty of free sips. Avast!
Aphrodisiac: Oysters and Gumbo
Saturday, February 14, 4pm-7pm
The Diamond, 43 Franklin Street, Greenpoint
The Diamond is a girl’s (or boy’s) best friend this Valentine’s day: the bar teams up with Open Oysters NYC and Good Stock Soups to bring you dollar oysters and $8 stew. Pair it with a pint and see whether the aphrodisiacs kick in! They’ll also be tapping a seasonally-appropriate Alesmith brew— called “My Bloody Valentine,” but you knew that, didn’t you?
I Know There Is Love: A Valentines Evening
Saturday, February 14, 8pm
The Waystation, 683 Washington Avenue, Prospect Heights
FREE, $5 per set suggested
21+
Hit up Prospect Heights’ coziest music venue to get your fix of the kind of love-themed music that isn’t going to make your ears bleed. Featuring a mix of samba, acoustic and folk, The Way Station hosts a night of eclectic bands that’ll start your night off real smooth. Get there by 10pm to hear Karen’s Smutty Mind entertain with musical tales of, ahem, adult behavior.
The Rejection Show Valentine’s Day Heartbreak Haven
Saturday, February 14, 8pm
Littlefield Bar, 622 Degraw Street, Park Slope
$10-12
Feeling bitter? Laugh it off this Valentine’s Day with a variety show hosted by Jon Friedman, featuring performances by funny men and women who make up the best of New York’s comedy scene. Heartbreak-y sets by Adam Wade, Aparna Nancherla, Eliot Glazer and Josh Gondelman to name a few. The venue alone is our best indication that this night’ll start off tame and get satisfyingly messy by the end, leaving you with happy memories—or no memories at all—of the Valentine’s Day that, at the very least, started off single. Couples more than welcome, just know you’ll be surrounded by enemies.
#BUSHWICKLOVE PARTY
Saturday, February 14, 8pm
Fine & Raw Chocolate Factory, 288 Seigel Street, Bushwick
FREE
It’s no Ponycon, but unicorns abound at this arty party for a cause. The 108 Lives Project sponsors this feel-good fiesta in Bushwick, with fare from little skips and BK Fine & Raw. Proceeds from the event will send social entrepreneurs to Nepal for self-sustainability initiatives. Meanwhile, you get to enjoy plenty of food, a photo booth, a kissing booth and so much dancing that you’ll come out literally dripping the phrase “Friendship is magic.”
Unloveable: A Smiths & Morrissey Valentines Day
Saturday, February 14, 9pm
The Bell House, 149 7th Street, Gowanus
$14 advance/$18 doors
Mmmm, brit-pop. If you’re feeling continental this holiday, try out The Bell House for a night of Smiths / Morrissey tribute music by Sons & Heirs and The Steve McQueens. Tie the whole thing up in a bow with some Rolling Stone-grade music commentary! Yeah, Rob Sheffield will be the night’s MC. What’s more, the night’s theme means that you’re guaranteed to have something in common with everyone in attendance.
My Bloody Valentine’s Party
Saturday, February 14, 9pm
Passenger Bar, 229 Roebling Street, Williamsburg
FREE
21+
Dress in black and show your disaffection at this gothic party in the ‘burg. Silent films and a pool table, so you can brood while listening to “garage noir” music from Twin Guns. Open bar for the first hour—try not to look too excited.
Love Bites: The Power Ballads Sing-Along
Saturday, February 14, 9:30pm
Union Hall, 702 Union Street, Park Slope
$10
21+
Nothing says “I love you” in the same breath as “I hate you” like a good power ballad, and it looks like Union Hall is the place to be if you’d rather yell-sing in a crowd than sweet-talk in a corner. You can go solo or arm-in-arm, and follow that little jumping ball on the Hall’s lyrics screen as it crosses through Bon Jovi, Cindi Lauper, Poison, Bonnie Tyler and more. There’ll also be an air guitar competition, costume contest, themed drink specials (Kiss From a Rose, anyone?) and free valentine heart candies. Hey, you know what? You should eat a bunch and make your mouth extra-chalky. Then you won’t have to kiss anybody!
Get Lucky! Make Out Big
Saturday, February 14, 10pm
The Grand National, 524 Grand Street, Williamsburg
FREE
We’re grateful for one event that doesn’t beat around the bush—this V-Day party clearly caters to everyone hoping to get busy on the big night. Oh, and raffle prizes are par for the course: you can win anything from a pitcher of beer to a whopping $50 bar tab. If you didn’t bring friends, you could always hog the tab for yourself: oughta give you enough liquid courage to make some bad decisions.
The Broken Hearted Ball
Saturday, February 14, 11:59pm
Cameo Gallery, 93 N. 6th Street, Williamsburg
$5
21+
The only self-proclaimed “anti-Valentine’s day” party on this list slides in just before the clock strikes midnight, in order to remind you that love may stink, but you should still probably fuck somebody! Makes sense, since the party is sponsored in part by Glimpse, the new dating app where you judge people by their Instagram accounts. The night promises to be just as reprehensible as the app itself, with a two-part affair that starts you off on tearful breakup music and then grinds down into the heavy hookup beats. Prepare to sweat on somebody—and then apologize by taking them home.
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Ponycon 2015
February 14-16
St. Francis College, 180 Remsen Street, Brooklyn Heights
$35-$75
Calling all bronies! Of course, the cult of all things sugar-and-spice picked Valentine’s Day—or as they call it, “Hearts & Hooves Day”—to come to Brooklyn. Yep, the 3rd My Littly Pony convention will take place over the entire three-day weekend this year, and features all sorts of family-friendly activities like crafts and tea parties and Pony celebrity hip-hop workshops aptly named “Prancing with the Stars.” Hope your fandom is enough to crest the price tag: $35 for single-day admission, $75 for three days.