All Hallow’s Eve, everybody! It’s the most wonderful time of the year when we get to indulge our inner theater kid and play dress up and get randy with each other. Despite heading out to LA my heart is still in Brooklyn and my bank account is still questionable, so here I am with Brokelyn’s second annual guide to easy DIY Halloween costumes and their apropos sexual innuendos to say while wearing them.
To make sure we’re clear, these aren’t “sexy” costumes- you guys can probably go as a random occupation or pizza-loving rats wearing only bras and banana hammocks without my specific instructions. Rather, here are some cheap and simple costumes- some even capable of keeping you warm- and ways to leverage your dressing up into an undressing by November 1.
Batfleck (or Ben Affleck Boston Batman)
Get a readily available Batman mask. Borrow- because how dare you own- Red Sox, Celtics, or Bruins jersey and/or gear. Drawing a Gaelic cross tattoo on your arm is encouraged.
Say: “I beat up the Jokah. Fackin’ guy had a smaht mouth. Yeah, I’m the fackin’ Batman. Wanna fack with my mask awn?”
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Water on Mars
Wear all red, preferably textured prints. Pin some blue streamers to your shoulders and/or wear an icy blue hat. If you have that trendy teal hair dye job then you’re already there. Craft a necklace by tying some string around a bottle of water (you can replace this with vodka if you’re feeling dangerous).
Say: “Underneath my ice caps is a whole ocean of passion” or “You have my Curiosity. I’d like to rove all over you.”
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House Plant
Wear brown bottoms and a green long sleeved top. Attach a few leaves and flowers (fake or real, your call) to your arms and torso. Put on a floral hat or headband.
Say: “Not only can I tie your room together, I can tie you up, too” or “The way I grow you’ll think it’s a miracle.”
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Scientologist
Wear conservative, navy clothes. Get a yacht captain’s hat. Make yourself a pin that says “WWXD” or “What Would Xenu Do?” if room allows. Create the classic tin can telephone- two cans with string- and go around asking people to hold them to “get a thetan reading” or “go clear.”
Say: Well…you might be going home alone on this one, this costume is too scary. But if you still want to give it a try say “Let’s start by removing your thetans and then let’s remove your clothes.”
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Feel The Bern
Put on your best 80s workout gear- spandex, bike shorts, legwarmers, etc all in super bright colors. Acquire a disheveled, mad-scientist-type white wig and thick rim glasses. Throw on some real Bernie Sanders pins or other endorsements for good measure. If you have a Sanders t-shirt, turn it into a half shirt.
Say: “Let’s socialize together.”
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World Wide Web
Wear a shirt that has a picture of the planet on it, or, better, has a full map print ie that shirt Carrie Brownstein wore in those Portlandia subway ads. Cover yourself in fake spider web.
Say: “I think we have a connection” or “You literally have no idea how dirty I am deep down.”
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TaskRabbit
Wear handyman-centric clothing, like a denim work shirt or overalls. Put on a tool belt. Get some fake bunny ears.
Say: “I can assemble your Ikea bed for you, and then we can test it.”
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John Waters
Put on the most outrageously patterned sportcoat you can find. Better yet, a smoking jacket. Wear a 50s style necktie. Draw on with makeup a very, very thin mustache right on top of your lip.
Say: *perverted laugh*
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Pumpkin Spice Latte
Wear all white. Wrap a piece of cardboard around your midsection, preferably with the Starbucks logo, for your drink sleeve. Put on the good ole Jack O’ Lantern mask, available at a Halloween store.
Say: “Put on your yoga pants and Uggs and we got ourselves an evening.”
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Emoji Ghost
Create the classic bed sheet ghost costume. Cut out some wonky, unevenly sized eyes. Pin a pink piece of felt cut to resemble a tongue right underneath said eyes.
Say: “ghost emoji, heart emoji, lips emoji, eggplant emoji, peach emoji.”
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John McClane
Acquire some casual slacks and a tank undershirt. Tatter them up with burns, fake blood, and dirt, then throw some on your face for good measure. If you want to go Die Hard, wrap your feet in bloody gauze. If you want Die Hard With A Vengeance, put on an equally dirty and bloody short sleeve button up shirt and wear a badge on a chain around your neck (and wear shoes).
Say: “More like Yippee-Ki-Lay, am I right?”
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Everyone Who Moved From NYC to LA
Be noticeably absent from your friends’ Halloween parties
Say: Email a long insufferable essay about how you wished you could make it and it breaks your heart not to be there, but things are just so different now. And also your apartment has a pool.