What was it that Glenn Beck said about New York once Bill de Blasio was elected? “Buhhh, I’m a crybaby idiot,” we think it was. Oh no wait, sorry, Beck warned his fear-crazy viewers “You won’t be able to travel to that city soon.” As if New York City would soon become the kind of place where goats roamed the Red Hook Ikea grounds and rabbits eat chicken wing bones in the streets of Gowanus. Shit wait, that’s exactly what’s happening. Maybe we’ve been living in I Am Legend the whole time?
DNA Info has not one, but two stories of animals being seen in places they shouldn’t be, doing things they shouldn’t be doing. Yesterday, two goats were seen wandering the grounds near the Ikea in Red Hook, mystifying store management and onlookers, before a man on a bicycle was called to herd them away. They say the man on the bike was looking after the goats, but we have our doubts, and our suspicions that something darker is going on. The two things goats are most often linked to are delicious rotis and Satan, after all.
Then there’s this morning, which brings the story of a colony of dozens of rabbits in Gowanus, hopping around an abandoned lot near a tire shop, kept in check only by the watchful eye of one brave woman. Gowanus resident Dorota Trec claims she’s “raising” the rabbits, but it’s more likely she’s keeping an eye on them. She herself describes the almost 100 rabbits living in a lot in Gowanus as “angry, hardened city rabbits and possibly carnivorous,” which we imagine was a phrase left on the cutting room floor of Beck’s New York monologue. Either way, it’s all we need to hear to stay far way from the lot, lest the hopping mad rabbits decide they want a taste of human flesh. That is, if they haven’t had it before…