The F train is Brokelyn’s advice column for all you sensual New Yorkers who, like the F train, often have schedule changes in how frequently you come, struggle to get into the station or suffer from any other number of delays and track work. Think of this like the MTA Twitter but instead of public transit info we answer sex queries – send yours to tips[at]brokelyndot]com.
“When you are hooking up with a guy and he is doing NOTHING to make it enjoyable for you, what do you say? How can you point this out without bruising the precious male ego? Example: I was making out with someone, clothes were coming off, we made out naked some more, he fingered me for like 15 seconds (which does NOTHING for me) then went to get a condom and put it on and we started having sex and I was NOT into it at all. We’re talking 0 noise, and he wasn’t talking at all so I didn’t know how to open the dialogue and change things up. I thought about suggesting a position switch but I don’t get off from sex so I thought “what’s the point?” and then he came super quick.” -Sexually Frustrated Somewhere in BK
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Wherever you are in BK,
Oh boy, the “precious male ego.” Fuck. That. Noise. It took me a lonnnnnnnggggg long long long time to realize that if a guy is that selfish and lazy annnnnnnnd an asshole when it comes to your needs, then he’s a waste of space. If he’s going to get all pissy and moody because you directed him in a way that will make you come. Cut. Him. Out. No one is worth your time if they are not “in it to win it” when it comes to your orgasms.
Now, let’s say this guy is not a selfish prick, what do you say to him so that you can come as well? You tell him exactly want you want: “I need you to finger me longer. Less pressure. More pressure. A little to the left. Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time.” Getting fingered for 15 seconds does nothing for anyone, and you mentioned sex doesn’t do anything for you. That’s true for many women. So you need to tell him that. He’s not a mindreader. Passive aggressive tendencies need to stay far away from the bedroom. Making zero noise will not get your point across. Some people actually prefer zero noise in the bedroom so to focus on the task at hand. He may think that you just aren’t a vocal sex-er.
So, tell him what you want! One more time for the cheap seats: TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. Tell him what you need, tell him what really turns you on. A lot of guys really want to give you the greatest orgasms of your life. They just need a leg up, which is where open dialogue comes in.
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Sure, talking about sex during the act can be awkward as fuck, and can potentially mess up the good momentum you had, so if that feels like too much for you, then baby steps, babe. Talk about it afterward or before the clothes have come off. Something like, “I like when you finger me. Finger me longer, with lighter pressure.” (Granted that is what you like. I personally like a lighter pressure down there, but edit this sentence according to your preferences, obvi.) That’s all you gotta do. Simple, to the point, with clear directions.
When (if) something feels good during the act, get vocal. A classic, “Yes, right there. Keep doing that,” can go a long way. Positive reinforcement plus direction equals orgasms! And when he does get you to orgasm once with your help, he’ll likely be able to do it all on his own soon afterward.
Again, though, trust your gut. If this current guy you mentioned in your question sucks, drop him. You’ll know immediately if he isn’t receptive to your directions, or you know, is just a complete dick about it. No need to waste precious energy on someone who blows.
I wasted two years of my life on a dude who did not give a shit about my sexual needs. Learn from my mistakes, because two years of sexual frustration does not a happy person make. There are plenty of other fish in the sea dying to finger you to completion.
Love,
The F Train
This post has been updated, originally published in 2017.