USDA study shows Americans eat lots of pizza. But what kind of pizza?

What unites America, from godless East Coast enclaves across Real America all the way to our godless West Coast enclaves? Well, probably nothing, which is why we’re so angry at each other. According to a USDA study though, pizza is thought to unite us, since 1 in 8 Americans consume pizza on a given day. And while some people could see that as a great uniter, we’re going to boldly point out that what the rest of America calls pizza usually doesn’t cut it.

Sure it’s nice to see no one cares about the fancy New York Times Magazine “Meh” list. But to us, this is something to be concerned about, because when you leave the New York/New Jersey area, the pizza starts to get, well, pretty dire. And that’s a nice way of putting it. We could also call them “bready discs of ketchup-coated lies,” but we’re trying not to be dramatic.

Think about it though: nowhere in that fancy study did the USDA bother to define what pizza actually is, aside from giving it an identifying number of 3062. That means it definitely includes crimes against pizza like Pizza Bagels, Sbarro and Papa John’s. And while we’re sure that New Yorkers scarfing down slices help impact the findings in the study, there’s only so many of us. So to out eyes, America’s pizza frenzy is just another sign America’s heading in the wrong direction.