Hello, residents of Brokelandia, and welcome to another edition of Now Hiring! I’ve recently heard word that a strange new season is coming about, one that doesn’t involve ice rain and blizzards and might actually be pleasant, and while your old job was “good enough” in that it had heating and you were sitting too close to Carroll from H.R., but she runs hot so it’s okay, when these precious few weeks of perfection come along, you’ll want the perfect career to go with them. While “perfect” may mean many things to many different people, we here at Brokelyn have put together a list with a little something for everyone, from the gym-bro to the number-cruncher, so read below and find out what your new best job ever is going to be.
First off, do you love pizza? Honestly, that question feels weird to even type, because of course you do. Everyone does. And, if you know anything about anything, then Roberta’s is one of the pizzas you love the most. Well, if you’d like to get all of the Roberta’s you can eat while working, then you’re in luck because Roberta’s is now hiring on production cooks to help them expand their frozen pizza division! That’s right, soon you’ll be able to pick up Roberta’s signature wood-fired cheesy goodness all across this great nation, and if that isn’t a goal worth working for, well then I don’t know what is. They’re looking for an experienced chef, but no previous pizza-making knowledge is required, so if you’re looking to get into the first family of pizza in Bushwick, send in a resume today (Note: No word on whether or not the job is clothing optional, but we imagine that it’s not).
If you consider yourself fit and manly (or just a fan of all things fit and manly), then you’re exactly who Men’s Fitness is looking for to fill their free digital associate editor position. You’ll be writing about everything from sports to working out to nutrition to fitness-based news in this position, so you’d better be ready to channel your inner fitness guru/outer six-pack. The job requires 2-3 years of previous experience, as well as knowledge of Photoshop and of Drupal, but the main requirement is a knack for writing about fitness. Also, no fatties.
Now then, if the last post sounded like your absolute nightmare, and you have no idea what a Reverse Fly is, then perhaps you’d like to write about a slightly different topic, which is good since Gizmodo is hiring on a few different writers for their science and internet culture departments. The jobs listed include a science/tech reporter, an internet culture reporter, and another science writer position for their partner site, io9. These jobs are all part of a new program being launched by a handful of sites, including Gizmodo and io9, called “The Future Initiative”, which is looking to build a new journalism program based on the science of tomorrow, so if you’re interested in the cutting edge of what will shape the future and you want to be on-hand reporting when it does, send in your resume as soon as possible. Sooner, even, if you have the technology.
Were you responsible in college? Did you major in something potentially boring, like Accounting or Economics, just because it felt like the safe choice? Are you in some large office at this particular moment, surrounded by shades of eggshell and the drone of a soulless corporation? Well, just because you decided to do the responsible thing and learned to stack some numbers doesn’t mean you don’t deserve fun, dammit! If you want a change for the awesomer, check out this new junior financial analyst position being listed at Complex Media. The job requires a degree based on balancing books (see above), and minimal experience, as well as knowledge of Quickbooks and Excel. The job also happens to include sweet perks, like happy hours, a relaxed office, and generous time off. Because even accountants deserve to show up to work in shorts and leave with a nice buzz.
How would you describe your hob-knobbing skills? Your schmoozing? How about your elbow-rubbing? If you’ve replied “excellent” to all three of these, then you may be ready for the big leagues. What are the big leagues of high-society in New York, you ask? Well, there’s obviously no other answer besides Lincoln Center, home to more rich people per square foot than a Koch family reunion. They are currently hiring on a manager to coordinate two key events a year for them, and provide backup on several more. The job requires 2-3 years of experience putting together special events, as well as the ability to wear many stylish and expensive figurative hats, since the responsibilities abound. Some of the most important aspects, however, will be dealing with potential and previous donors, so if you’re charming enough to squeeze dollars out of the 1% without them knowing, this is definitely where you belong.
Now, for this next job, you need two important requirements: First, do you consider yourself a photographer? Second, does your photography include, but is not limited to, every single meal you’ve ever eaten? If so, you’re in luck, because a new food delivery service (and who can keep track which one these days?) is looking for a food photographer to transform their recipes into the stars that they are. The job is technically freelance, but they are offering multiple shoots a week, including full-menu shoots which cover 30-40 dishes (of course, if they need someone to help with disposal of said dishes, I’m sure you can volunteer…), and smaller update shoots of just 5-10. While they are looking for a real-life photographer, there’s no food photography experience required, so maybe those thirteen shots of that pasta you made last night are going to pay off in the long run.
Finally, are you a teacher? Do you love the idea of helping the newest generation quench their thirst for knowledge and become bright and intelligent adults? Do you fucking hate kids? Well, good news for all of those who love education, in theory if not in practice: Knewton, a startup built around the world’s most powerful adaptive learning engine, is looking for a middle school math content expert to help take their engine to the next level. The job requires coming up with video and written content to teach middle-schoolers how to count beyond their fingers, and if you’ve already got teaching experience, this basically just means your whole job is coming up with a lesson plan, without actually having to teach it to children. There are also design aspects, helping the team make it teacher- and student-friendly, and working with a product team to make it scalable. Yes, it’s a lot of dealing with different teams, but remember, at least all of these people are old enough to vote.