1. Branded doesn’t host just any karaoke: they’re promising a karaoke war zone. So make sure you pack your flack jacket and aren’t frightened by explosions (Monday)
2. Nitehawk’s Simpsons Club, a crappy club for jerks is screening the beloved Stonecutters episode, but don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret (Monday)
3. Oh sure you think that your damn modern heroin-addicted musicians like Sky Ferreira and that guy from DIIV are cool, but let Stanley Crouch tell you about Charlie Parker, America’s original heroin-addicted musical genius (Tuesday)
4. Comedy variety show Backfat is baffled by the greatness of their lineup this month, which includes Mike Drucker, a comedian who’s been featured on Jimmy Fallon, and champion storyteller Leslie Goshko, so check it out and hope they don’t realize how good it sounds and start charging money (Tuesday)
5. WORD hosts a party for a book about lucid dreaming, so you can learn to control your dreams and finally have a dream where you’re wearing pants at the prom and your fingers haven’t all turned into shrieking penises (Wednesday)
6. New to biking in the city? Check out this class at Ride Brooklyn’s Williamsburg location, where they’ll teach you all the things new cyclists need to to. They save the curses and angry hand gestures for the intermediate class (Wednesday)
7. Listen to Davy Rothbart’s tale of his heart being an idiot and maybe you’ll feel better about your own romantic misadventures. Or worse maybe, because yours aren’t as funny as his, we don’t know (Wednesday)
8. Videology is showing Cruel Intentions, so all you nostalgia addicts and weird incestuous brother/sister couples know where you’ll be tonight (Thursday)
9. Greenlight is hosting their quarterly poetry salon, so it’s your quarterly chance to pretend you love a beautiful and doomed formed of art (Thursday)
10. Play boardgames with your neighbors in Greenpoint. Aren’t from Greenpoint and still want to play boardgames? Eh, just lie and say you live there (Friday)
11. Head On pits England against Sweden in a dancing war pitting mopey rainy jerks against bright sunny poppy blondes. Wonder who wins this one… (Friday)