A new threat in Greenpoint parks: violent mockingbirds

You guys, what the hell is going on with Greenpoint? At McGolrick Park, terrifying, awful teenagers are setting fires and committing assaults. You’d think residents would be able to have a haven from that violence at the newer Transmitter Park further north, but you’d be wrong, because there, a Brooklyn-based version of The Birds is going down.

The Times shares the stories of Greenpoint residents who’ve gone to enjoy the new park, only to face the wrath of violent and territorial hummingbirds mockingbirds. You laugh, but according to children’s author Arthur Henry, the first attack he faced from one of the birds drew blood. Another park visitor, Angela Golinvaux faced an even worse situation on a visit to the park, telling the Times the birds were “dive-bombing me, and flying at me, and perching and looking at me.”

Bird scientists say that once that hummingbirds mockingbirds have no more hatchlings to protect, they should calm down. But they don’t seem to have considered that this is just the beginning of a war waged by nature on people, like something out of a Roland Emmerich movie. Of course, in the meantime, we want to enjoy the damn park, so get to work on some kind of anti-hummingbird anti-mockingbird ray or suit or spray.