The city might be gearing up for a snowpocalypse at the moment, but don’t let that distract you from the important things. For instance, you have about three hours to snag your free Chipotle burrito before the entire city implodes in a cloud of powdery snow. What’s that? You haven’t heard about the burrito chain’s big push to bring its Sofritas vegan burrito to the masses? Well, the deal is, you buy one of their new tofu-based gut-bombs and you can get another free burrito of any type in the future. The only catch? You have to eat tofu and you can only use your voucher between tomorrow and February 28.
That’s right, it’s just as simple as getting the same Sofritas burrito or burrito bowl you’ve been eating for at least a year if you live around here, and you can get a voucher for another free burrito anytime between January 27 and February 28, just by showing your receipt. “But, Brokelyn,” you say. “I’ve had Sofritas at Chipotle before. Why the big marketing push now?” It’s true; Sofritas have been around for at least a year, but only in major markets, AKA liberal strongholds like New York, Boston, Austin and… Philadelphia? No one in these cities has died of tofu poisoning yet, so Chipotle is finally pushing their vegan agenda on the rest of this God-fearing, gun-toting nation.
Will the red states go for it? They won’t have much of a choice, what with all that inhumanely-raised pork pulled from the market. Then again, rampant soy farming is causing widespread destruction of Amazonian rain forest. Which is actually an indirect result of federal corn subsidies to Midwestern farmers. But you’ll have to ask Sen. Joni Ernst about that.