Screw W.H.O.: 8 spots in Brooklyn to scarf down on bacon, health risks be damned

Processed meats (read: bacon, ham, hot dogs, spam, etc.) are now classified as a Group 1 carcinogen according to the W.H.O.’s International Agency for Research on Cancer. It joins the likes of arsenic, formaldehyde, ultraviolet-emitting tanning devices, tobacco, alcohol… the list goes on!

If you’re not ready to give up getting drunk, smoking and eating awesome meat, then here are the top places to say “fuck it” and have yourself a meat-y good time.

Jersey Morning
Crif Dogs, 555 Driggs Ave, Williamsburg

Jersey transplants will love this Taylor Ham wrapped hot dog accompanied with a fried egg and cheese. Those unfamiliar: the way Brooklynites eat a bacon egg and cheese, New Jerseyites order Taylor Ham egg and cheese. Either way, it’s all a group 1 carcinogen and worth every bite. Crif Dogs also has five hot dogs on the menu wrapped with bacon, and two wrapped with ham.

Bacon Doughtnut’s and Rude Little Pig cocktail
Traif, 229 South 4th St. Williamsburg

The other dishes at Traif are good, but skip them all and go for a Rude Little Pig cocktail and an order of Bacon Doughnuts for a double helping of group 1’s. The Rude Little Pig is a smoky tea infused tequila drink with a salted bacon rim touting two group 1’s in one foul swoop (alcohol is a g1 too!). Dulce de leche draped doughnuts with crumbled bacon and coffee ice cream is a trifecta of delicious hedonism.

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Bacon Cheddar Dog
Bark, 474 Bergen St. Park Slope

Bark’s classic hot dog already has ground pork belly in its blend so you know that it’s fatty delicious, but while it’s cooking they baste it with “Bark butter” which apparently contains rendered smoked pork belly fat and melted butter. Top that bad boy with bacon, add cheese sauce and pickled onions and it might just be worth shaving a few years off your life with multiple group 1 carcinogens in a single bite.

Bacon “Lettuce” and Tomato
Brancaccio’s, 3011 Fort Hamilton Parkway, Kensington

This little specialty prepared foods spot stops making sandwiches at 4pm, so make sure you’re there well before that to grab their version of the iconic BLT. Touting double smoked bacon, sauteed broccoli rabe, tomato, and lemon mayo on a Caputo’s ciabatta, this sandwich is the kinda thing your Italian grandmother would be happy to eat. If you’re lucky, they’ll have their bacon mac n’ cheese available too.

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Crispy Oyster and Bacon Pad Thai *bonus* Bacon Egg and Cheese Fried Rice
Talde, 369 Seventh Avenue, Park Slope

Bacon is the driving flavor in this pad Thai remix. There are usually just a few actual piece of bacon in this, but the overall unctuous undertone of smoked,cured pork belly rides you through the noodles and fried oyster bits. Add an order of Bacon, Egg and Cheese Fried Rice, and you’re in a uniquely NYC state-of-mind.

Bowl of Bacon
Whiskey Brooklyn, 44 Berry St. Williamsburg

Delivered as promised, this is a bowl of deep fried bacon available as an appetizer with two dipping sauces; bleu cheese, and maple syrup. It’s like having breakfast bacon and then dinner bacon without ever leaving the bar. They serve breakfast from noon til 6pm everyday too with plenty of bacon and options like “smashed tots” or “hash tots” because there are never enough tater tot options.

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Brighton Beach Pizza Pie
Wheated, 905 Church Ave, Ditmas Park

Bacon, garlic, black pepper and three cheeses make up the Brighton Beach Pie — and the results are spectacular. With a lightly charred sourdough crust and a perfect amount of bacon strips, this sauceless pie is one of the best here. Order from the impressive whiskey list (group 1’s for everyone!) and sit back to enjoy some of the finer things in life.

Luger’s Sizzling Bacon, extra thick, by the slice
Peter Luger Steak House, 178 Broadway, Williamsburg

This is straight-up incredible bacon from this iconic Brooklyn meatery established in 1887. Served sizzling hot and slightly grilled, it’s available by the piece as a side on their menu. Just fat slices of bacon on a plate. Risk a cancer-riddled colon for this because it’s incredible. Also maybe get the creamed spinach because it’s really good.

Fuck it, I’m headed to my bodega for a bacon egg and cheese right now and I might even get a fake tan, have a smoke and a bloody mary just to make sure I get fully loaded on group 1’s. Thanks W.H.O.!