Perhaps 2014 was a little bit too stressful for you. Perhaps you’ve been disappointed as you struggled to navigate adulthood, constantly set back by various breakups, heartbreaking news stories local and abroad, a lack of anything resembling baller status and one too many goddamn train delays. If this is you, someone is finally giving you the chance to relive your days in preschool, thanks to Preschool Mastermind. And they say millennials are too immature to handle the real world. Wait a second…
Yes, if you constantly hearken back to the days when everything was done for you, your homework consisted of spelling the word “s-a-l-t,” and you absolutely refused to eat your broccoli because ew, broccoli, your “teacher” Michelle Joni and her assistant Miss CanCan will allow you to give yourself over to regression for 8 weeks. Their plan is to guide you through activities like arts and crafts, show and tell, games (including musical chairs and, disconcertingly, no other examples), make believe, nap time, and music time, featuring rockstar guests that are probably just one of you who sign up, you rockstars you!
And just like the city’s high-stress and highly-selective preschool process for rich parents, not just anybody can attend these actual, real classes, as only 10 students will be admitted. Only the exact right kinds of people who show they’ve got a mixture of childlike wonder and moolah to pay up for the program will be let in. After filling out an application and going through an interview process, you’ll also have the privilege of paying between $333 and $555 if you get accepted. Oh and that price doesn’t include art supplies, snack time snacks or class trip expenses, so be sure to start saving up that allowance now.
So, if you really do want in on this, get your toy credit card ready. And your real one. This isn’t cheap, even though it surprisingly, is certainly real.