My six-year-old son thanks you for the free maxi pads

Whose brilliant idea was it to do a mass mailing of feminine protection materials in a box that looks like a kid’s book? Did anyone else get one of these obnoxious packages from Kimberly Clark in the mail yesterday, addressed to Resident? Did anyone else’s kid beg them to the point of tears to open it, convinced it was a present from his grandparents? Did anyone else unwisely capitulate, totally unprepared for the conversation that would ensue once the box’s contents—four Kotex pads in floral sleeves—were revealed?

Kid: What are they for?
Me: Nothing.
Tell me!!!
Lady business.
What kind of lady business??
Bathroom things.
What kind of bathroom things?
They help you go to the bathroom.
Why do you need help going to the bathroom?
Sometimes ladies do.
I know, you put it in your butt to make the poop harder.
Yes, that’s right. They make your poop harder.
No they don’t.
Okay… they don’t.
Then what is it?
It’s so nothing… leaks out.
Do you leak, mom?

Okay, that’s probably MORE than enough (let it rip, Effed), but all that’s to say, thank you, Kimberly Clark, for the most intrusive freebie since SpongeBob condoms. At least until the Elmo Massengil sampler arrives.