Leaked! The new Williamsburg J. Crew employee handbook

News emerged this week that upscale retailer J. Crew is among the tenants likely for a new building on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg next to a planned Whole Foods. Construction is not finished, but the store’s employee handbook leaked online today:

To All Employees:

Congratulations on your employment at the J. Crew crew at our brand new location on Bedford Ave. — in the middle of Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood! J Crew has been bringing upscale fashion to under-dressed malls and outlet centers since 1983, and we’re proud to bring our special brand of khakitocracy to the underserved north Brooklyn market. While our new neighborhood might currently think a polo shirt is something you wear when you actually play polo, we’ll be painting this town twill before you can say “espadrilles.”

For the Williamsburg location, we have adopted some practices that, while a bit unconventional, will reflect our new community and its values. Please refer to this employee manual whenever in doubt:

• STORE HOURS: Williamsburg store hours will be from noonish to 4 a.m., Monday through Thursday. On beach/snow days, please consult with the surrounding bars to establish a “happy hour” schedule.

• BREAKS: Every employee is allowed one 3.5 hour break for brunch per shift.

• STORE DISPLAYS: Market research has shown that mannequins do not accurately reflect the typical build of our potential customers; our new display pieces will consist of three hangers strung together, with a paper frowny face securely affixed to the head. We recommend a light-colored cardigan to accessorize display outfits.

• MUSIC: You will not be receiving the company-standard playlist. Instead, you will find enclosed the contact information for DJ Boris, who specializes in Soviet-era punk reggae and will be spinning over by the dressing rooms. If any customers ask about the music being played, simply respond with a withering sigh and continue folding pants.

• COLOR GUIDE: Please note that our persimmon and wheat infused color palette has been modified for this location. Please use the following words when describing colors:

• Brown →Tobacco
• Beige → Discovered in the refrigerator eggshell
• Grey→ Smoke
• White→ Light Black
• Black→ Vintage Black
• Everything else→ Not available

• AVAILABLE SIZES:

• XS
• S
• Anything larger, please refer customers to our satellite stores

• A NOTE ON PANTS: Due to the popularity of a nearby competing apparel business, we have retired the word “pants.” Please refer to all leg coverings using the term “slim slacks” or “pre-jorts.”

• FEDORAS: Push them, because they don’t sell anywhere else.

• THE ‘STORY’ OF J. CREW: Please do not refer to “new” as in new looks, new styles or new trends, nor reference the origin of a particular article of clothing. If pressed to explain where the clothing “came from,” we ask that you appropriate one of the plots of Scooby Doo.

• DRESS CODE:
Acceptable attire includes:

• Earbuds, white

• Sang froid

• Skee-Ball elbow

• Picklesmocks

• DIY chenille

• Reclaimed vinyl from Donovan’s Sunshine Superman album.

• Steamshmere tunics

• J Crew wear from any time prior to 1991.

• Pork shoulder pads

• “Whatever”

• NAMETAGS: Your nametag will say “Megan :/” regardless of your given name or gender.

• EMPLOYEE RELATIONSHIPS: Mandatory.

Our first few months may be a tough sell to our neighbors, but we hope you’ll stick with us. We believe customers will choose us over our competitors’ vintage alternatives for one indisputable reason: Bedbugs. If our guests are still not happy, please direct them to the Hollister store that will be opening next door in March.

Text by Eric Silver, Tim Donnelly, Rachel DeLetto and Faye Penn.