1. Finally get a dose of “this city is over” that isn’t about New York, but San Francisco, at the release party for author Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore’s memoir The End of San Francisco (Monday)
2. Or get a happier perspective on cities by attending the book release for Design Brooklyn, which celebrates all our great architecture that hasn’t been replaced by boxy crap no one likes (Monday)
3. See Bottle Rocket, because you want to remember a simpler time when Wes Anderson was just a weird filmmaker and not a cultural weathervane (Monday)
4. Keep perpetuating the idea that married people are miserable and sexless at a launch party for The Married Kama Sutra, vow you it won’t happen to you, wake up in 20 years and realize you are (Monday)
5. Videology is showing Francis Ford Coppola movies all day, so if you’re bored, head there. And if you want to be a wiseass, ask if they’re showing Jack (Tuesday)
6. Hamburgers don’t usually collapse in on themselves, so you can probably expect something strange at comedy show The Imploding Hamburger at The Rock Shop (Tuesday)
7. “Funniest man on Twitter” Rob Delaney wrote a book, and if you go see him be funny while talking about his book at powerHouse Arena it’s like favoriting him in real life! (Wednesday)
8. Learn how comics are chipping away at the patriarchy at a talk on gender tropes in comics at Hallabaloo Books (Thursday)
9. Pete Hamill is going to be at WORD, which is pretty cool because it’s not every day that New York institutions drop in to the place where you try to pick up sensitive girls in glasses (Thursday)
10. Bring your friends to Babeland with you for a night of drinks and saving on toys. The more friends, the bigger the discount and the better erotic adventures afterwards (Thursday)
11. Canadian import Every Day is Like Sunday, a movie about getting older and still being immature is screening at Nitehawk. It’s exactly like your life, but it’s Canadian (Thursday)
12. Baby Ketten Karaoke, a karaoke night that has hipster trash deep cuts from the likes of Pavement, The Misfits and Elliot Smith drops in to The Bell House (Thursday)
13. Greene Grape Wine welcomes the minds of Kings County Distillery, who will tell you how to become an urban moonshiner, but without jumping over things in your kinda-racist car (Friday)
14. See a bunch of awesome printed posters from small printing houses, maybe buy one, maybe just listen to music instead, at Prints Gone Wild at Littlefield