5 easy ways to find a last-ditch valentine

Being a single on Valentine’s Day I imagine is a lot like being a Jew on Christmas: people around you are caught up in the hoopla of corporation-fueled gifting while the rest of us slog along, pretending we’re perfectly happy not celebrating. And then you have to upload post after post about it on the blog you work for, because allegedly everyone is looking for things to do on V Day, because, even though you’re a happy couple, I STILL HAVE TO COME UP WITH DATE IDEAS FOR YOU. Well, nuts to that: maybe V Day is hard to ignore, but this is still Brooklyn after all, and Brooklyn is nothing if not a seething pit of hormones looking for an outlet. I hereby declare all is not lost for you this year! Get thee to one of these events — they’re cool enough that they don’t reek of desperation (or Axe) but close enough to V Day that, let’s face it, everyone knows what you’re there for.

For the “Screw It, I’m In Touch With My Singularity” crowd:

I Heart Nerds Speed Dating and Singles Night
Thursday, FREE to mingle, $5 to speed date (happy hour 5-8)
Bar 4, 44 Seventh Ave., Park Slope, doors at 7pm

Go to this, jam out to nerdy indie rock and nerd romance tunes while mingling with a bar full of people who you actually know are single (if you use the “I’m sorta seeing someone” excuse at a speed dating event, you lose a life). Since it’s free to mingle, you can size up the crowd and decide if you want to dive into the speed dating. (If you know you want to speed date, RSVP to heartspeeddating@gmail.com to reserve space). DJ Patty Hearst of the skint will be spinning too!

For the “Pretending It’s Not V-Day But Really Looking for an Alt Date” crowd:

The Withering Frost Valentine’s Day block party
Thursday, FREE (with free booze!)
Graham Ave. between Wither and Frost, East Williamsburg, 6-9pm

This is a two-block long party featuring Nail Art at Tree House, one-time-only dating service (whatever that means) at Blue Stove, buy-one, get-one deals at Daddy’s, spiked cider at Alter and lots of other sales and freebies at the 11 businesses along the block. DJs will be spinning at Moves and Slowfax too. A little drinky, dancey, freebie good time in Williamsburg: it won’t be long until thoughts of your next sleepover party start dancing in your head.

For the “I Say I Just Want to Dance But Really I’ll Make Side Glances at Cuties All Night” crowd:

The Broken Hearted Ball, presented by Advernture[s] and Nerve Dating
Saturday, FREE (with drink specials)
Bar Matchless, 557 Manhattan Ave., 8pm-12am

This dance party comes in two parts: Part 1 from 8-10 is “Dance the Pain Away,” featuring songs to work out that bad romance juju on topics of breaking up, bitterness, longing, cheating, revenge, etc., from”You’re So Vain” to “You Oughta Know.” Part 2 is “Let’s Get it On,” which is self explanatory, and should put your in the arms of Mr./Mrs. Right Now. Matchless is one of the most seethingest pits of the aforementioned seething hormones. Just know you might end up talking to a 21-year-old wearing a Jansport all night.

For the bookish, adorable, twee but ready-to-overcome-shyness crowd

Missed Connections Valentine’s Day Party
Feb. 14, FREE (with free beer!)
New York Transit Museum, 95 Schermerhorn St., Brooklyn Heights, 6-8pm

The idea here is to reunite your lost m4w, w4m, m4ms, etc. that you thought were lost by the cruel hands of closing subway doors. New York Times writer Alan Feuer will read some of the best Craigslist Missed Connections and illustrator Sophie Blackall will sign copies of her book, Missed Connections: Love, Lost & Found. Need a pickup line? Try this one: ” I was going to leave you a missed connection after this, but then I decided to stop being a passive aggressive milquetoast and actually talk to you in person.” BAM! You’re welcome.

The Money $hot

Unloveable: A Smiths & Morrissey Valentine’s Day
Feb. 14, $10 advance, $12 day of
Bell House, 149 7th St., Gowanus, 8pm doors/10pm show

A dance party. With a Smiths and Cure cover band. On Valentine’s Day. At the Bell House. Sure it’s $10, but ladies and gentlebros, if you can’t hook up at this thing, you may need to seriously consider how much of a sad sack you present yourself as to the world (Team Brokelyn can vouch for the power of the Bell House’s mojo). Featuring music by The Sons & Heirs and a pre-party with DJ Ceremony. Spending a V day with boys who don’t cry and girlfriends in comas is the only acceptable way to celebrate, in this broken-hearted brokester’s opinion.

Follow/send missed connections to Tim: @timdonnelly.