Dickin’ around at the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

Well get straight to the point: the contestants of Brooklyn’s first annual “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” at the Kings County Bar were a cocky, potent lot with tumescent confidence and great big…hearts. The competition’s six (then five) competitors wowed the crowd with rapping, dancing, stand up comedy, and most of all, the confidence to stand up and say “Hey, I’ve got a tiny penis, and I’m more than OK showing it to you.” Things never got too nuts, but as you’ll see from our pictures, it was hardly a flaccid, limo competition.

Not content to merely be a contest where guys whipped it out for someone with a tape measure, SPB 2013 was more of a pageant starring the men and their little friends. The competition got off to a bang with the evening wear competition, in which the contestants strutted on the bar wearing tuxedo  crotch covers and little else, while attendees drank “Penis Coladas.”

Much like the Punderdome, the contestants got to give themselves nicknames, instead of going by their boring nicknames. The contestants were Perry Winkle, Sugar Daddy, Rip van Dinkle, Quinette, The Delivery Man and Flo Rider.

The crowd was enthusiastic, cheering on the men of small packages by big guts. They were all confident as well, with none of them slipping off while they walked the makeshift catwalk. It was here were contestant Nick Gilronan, in the guise of The Delivery Man, began to win the crowd over. Out guess is because of his commitment to the part.

After the evening wear portion, there was a talent competition. Perry Winkle captured the nostalgia crowd with an interpretive dance set to “All the Small Things,” finally topping its use at the end of Can’t Hardly Wait. Sugar Daddy treated the crowd to dance set to “Sexy and I Know It,” while The Delivery Man and Rip van Dinkle sought to reach the crowd with their words, with stand up comedy and rapping, respectively. Sample line from van Dinkle: “How dare you youthful rubberneckers point and laugh at my poor pecker.”

Flo Rider gave the pageant its first X-rated moment, whipping his junk out for a full-frontal display while dancing to an “old school beat,” he’d demanded.

Quinette, the French contestant, seemed a bit confused by the talent portion, first farting with his hands, then singing in French and finally dancing.

The final phase of the competition was the swim wear category, when the five contestants (Quinette dropped out between rounds) stood on the bar and let the judges measure them, while the judge’s helpers, known as the Penis Kittens, sprayed their crotches with a Super Soaker-like water gun.

In this competition, once agin, Flo Rider couldn’t keep his package to himself. After a short conference by the judges, the competitors were called out one final time, first for a final congratulatory round of applause from the audience. Finally, the question on everyone’s mind since the contest was announced (“Who had the best small penis in Brooklyn?”) was answered with The Delivery Man.

The Delivery Man was rewarded for his efforts with a crown, scepter, $200, respect from the crowd and some interesting Google results for the rest of his life. He was also given an aggressive kiss from one of the Penis Kittens.

Gilronan spoke to us after winning his crown and posing for pictures, telling us “it feels good to win, not gonna lie.” The 27-year-old Briarwood, Queens resident is an actual employee of the Williamsburg UPS store and took no shame in winning the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn competition, declaring “This is going on Facebook.” In response to our question on whether or not he’d be bringing this mark of distinction up in his dating life, Gilronan pointed out that this “is something no other guy on a date will be able to talk about.”

As for whether or not he’ll be around to defend his crown next year, Gilronan felt that winning once was enough for him. “I don’t want to be like the Miami Heat and just winning all the time.”