1. Garrison Keillor will be at BookCourt to spin some yarns about his life. His real life, not the life of Lake Wobegon, which you’ll remember is fictional (Monday)
2. Charla Lauriston and some other funny friends will be telling jokes at Over the Eight for free, so hey, maybe check that out (Monday)
3. Get three days of science talks at Cantina Royal, and drink while you’re listening to them, at A Pint of Science (Monday – Wednesday)
4. Natasha Case and Freya Estreller of Coolhaus will be talking ice cream sandwiches at powerHouse, in case you want some summer ideas or if you’re the ice cream sandwich competition (Tuesday)
5. In other food news, the Masters of Social Gastronomy will be talking the history of food of the high seas. More importantly though, they’ll be talking the history of liquor of the high seas too (Tuesday)
6. Why listen to educated people talk about historical things though, when you can just make historical “facts” up at Bullshit History, and win strange prizes? (Tuesday)
7. Hot shit New Yorker critic Daniel Mendelsohn will be talking about culture with hot shit internet human Choire Sicha, despite the fact that everyone from the internet is essentially a barbarian (Tuesday)
8. The Secret Science Club will convene at the The Bell House, to listen to microbiologist Martin Blaser talk about the gross micro-bacteria ecosystem in your body. In your body, only you are gross (Tuesday)
9. The time is finally here for your (metaphorical) revenge on Wall Street, as you head to the Industry City to hit a Charging Bull piñata stuffed full of dollar bills (Tuesday)
10. The original designers of the MetroCard, artists and MTA members are gathering at the Transit Museum to talk about the MetroCard now that it’s twenty. Which is younger than you, by the way (Wednesday)
11. See photographer Rick Perez’ photos of New York City after dark, because even if you go out all the time, you can’t be everywhere (Wednesday)
12. Grab a book, bring it to Soda and read it in their comfy back room with a bunch of strangers at a Silent Reading Party. Unlike reading in your apartment, there are probably better beer options (Wednesday)
13. The authors of Graduates in Wonderland are celebrating their book with a storytelling night at 61 Local, with stories of people’s post-graduation lives. Actual storytellers, not just shlemiels like you (Thursday)
14. See a documentary on influential Britpop label Creation Records, which shepherded the likes of Oasis and My Bloody Valentine before falling apart, for a reminder that British people can also be horrible failures (Thursday)
15. The final Brooklyn Bridge Park Dance Party, the African dance party, is here, which means that summer is out of beta testing and is officially ready to be released to the public. That’s worth dancing over (Thursday)
16. Babeland is holding a whiskey tasting to go along with their sex tips workshop. Presumably one of the sex tips is “Don’t drink too much whiskey before doing it.” (Friday)
17. One Story is celebrating the debut of some Brooklyn literary debutantes, who published their first novels this year, with a party at Greenlight. So wear a cotillion dress maybe? (Friday)
18. Storytelling night So What Happened Was convenes in Freddy’s back room to hear some stories of embarrassment. Which you’d be good at, we know, but leave it to the professionals (Friday)
19. DJ PreSkool, who is not a re-branded DJ Kai Song, will be spinning rock and roll music for you to dance to at your pleasure in the back room of Union Pool. There are worse ways to start a weekend (Friday)