1. Franklin Park Reading Series: Novel Night features two-time Booker Prize winner Peter Carey along with four other authors. Don’t worry though, you won’t have to listen to them read their entire books. (Monday)
2. Sing your Monday blues away at Canal Bar’s Karaoke Mondays. (Monday)
3. Irvine Welsh (Trainspotting) has a new novel and he’s talking about it at BookCourt, and while it’s not Trainspotting it is sadomasochistic tale of shared psychosis, so it’s clearly still weird. (Monday)
4. Greg Johnson, Doug Smith, Matt Wayne and more comics are (fake) moving to L.A. so come say (fake) goodbye and get some laughs at Freddy’s. Plus: show up early and kick off your glorious comedy career with an open mic. (Monday)
5. Melissa Pimentel, Sara Benincasa and more funny authors will break down just why dating is such a bummer at WORD, just in case you weren’t yet convinced of that. (Monday)
6. Oh hey, Gary Shteyngart is in town this week too, giving a lecture at Long Island University about culture and literature. So you’re bound to come out smarter after this one. (Monday)
7. You have to solve a puzzle to figure out where Puzzled Pint is happening, but if you can find its location we bet you can win some puzzle glory. (Tuesday)
8. Presidents’ Day is coming up, so get a reminder of what gross party monsters we’ve elected at a reading for Party Like A President at powerHouse Arena. (Tuesday)
9. Winter usually make us cry, but Eman El-Husseini and Jess Salomon want you to laugh in its face (or cry if you must) at Polar Vortex Comedy. (Tuesday)
10. That big brain of yours could win you free shots and a $50 tab at The Grand National’s Brooklyn Trivia. (Tuesday)
11. OMG BFF LOL Club it’s just the name we plan to give our children, it’s also a comedy show at Legion Bar with comics like Nick Vatterott, featured on Comedy Central’s The Half Hour. (Tuesday)
12. Attend (seed) diversity training with a little help from Plow to Plate Series’ screening of Open Sesame. (Tuesday)
13. Local artists and artisans are hosting a pop-up shop featuring home decor to help you decorate those bleak, white walls of yours. (Wednesday)
14. Hop on over to Beer Geek Trivia to show off all the knowledge that’s been brewing in your head. (Wednesday)
15. If you get to WarPaint International’s launch party early enough you can get a free swag bag of hair and beauty products. Not that you need them, of course, you look great naturally. (Thursday)
16. This week’s Video TALE features real live storytellers from Fuse, Vice, and MTV. (Thursday)
17. Recount your latest harrowing G train tale, or do that Bill Murray impression you’ve perfected, at Split Personality Comedy and Storytelling. (Thursday)
18. Sportswriter Jake Appleman will talk the recent history of the Brooklyn Nets and his book Brooklyn Bounce at Greenlight with fellow sports scriber Howard Beck. Leave the thunder sticks are home though, come on. (Thursday)
19. Live all your weird theatrical porn dreams at First Comes Love, where comics and audience members act out porn scripts from Craigslist writers. (Friday)
20. Celebrate Singles Awareness Day with a literary celebration of love disasters at What’s Broken is Broken. (Friday)
21. Tomas Rayfiel and Susan O’Neill will be reading their short essays at Park Slope Coop’s Fun and Free Pre-Valentine’s Day Reading. (Friday)
22. Hear some poems on love, heartbreak, and all that stuff in between at Roots Poetry Series. (Friday)
23. Get your West African and Caribbean brass fix with No Small Money Brass Band at Bar Chord. (Friday)