Now that your taxes are done—and boy, we’re hoping you paid them—you can forget about “intangible properties” and start thinking about the ones you can touch, and smell, and sleep in. As per usual, cheap real estate options are eking ever so slightly farther out into the borough. But follow our example: we’re not going to start worrying until real estate actually pushes us off the edge of Sheepshead Bay and into the water.
First up, this Bed-Stuy 4-bedroom is only $2,500. It’s a prewar building—extra bonus points for them knowing just how pre-war it is. We’re told it’s an 1899 townhouse that was, oddly, “never lived in!” Uncanny. Big bedrooms, two (!) skylights in the living room, washer/dryer in the building. Oh, and did we mention you only share the building with one other tenant? Sweet deal. The bathroom also has “subway tiles” which, while it probably just refers to a genre of tile, makes me wonder which station they stole it from. Just think: you could be staring at an authentic 1899 Bedford Av tile while you pee. Off the Ralph Av C.
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For $2,500 buckeroos, you’d get to live in this cool-looking 3-bedroom in Bed-Stuy, on Tompkins Avenue. Eighteen-month lease option! This one’s all about the neighborhood. Brunch spot Eugene & Co next door, the magnificent Anchor Coffee shop down the block, Peaches Hot House for your Southern cravings and plenty of thrifting at nearby shops/church fences. The listing claims one bedroom is “junior-sized,” though, so head over and make sure that third isn’t some closet they expect someone to occupy like a pre-Hogwarts Harry Potter. Off the Kingston-Throop C, even though the map would have you believe otherwise.
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While there’s nothing much in the photos, the listing says enough about this $3,000 Bushwick/Bed-Stuy 4-bedroom to turn our heads. First of all, it’s a triplex. Second of all, it’s 2.5 bathrooms. It’s even got a washer/dryer! So, let’s see: that’s three floors a-climbing, two rooms a-peeing and a cartridge for your laun-dry. And a private backyard. First month free, though you’ll need a guarantor for this spot since it asks 40x the rent. Off the Kosciusko J train.
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Same neighborhood, similarly inadequate listing details for what we hope turns out to be a great 3-bedroom in Bushwick/Bed-Stuy, since it’ll only cost you $2,300. But seriously, all we can tell from the real estate agent is that it’s got stainless steel appliances and high ceilings, which does not a move-in make. At least the bay window is nice, and so is that cute fireplace. Assuming it’s a separate living room from the 3-bedrooms, and it’s behind those french doors to boot, we can see how you’d wanna call this place home. Off the Kosciusko J.
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No fee, no foul. This no-fee apartment in Crown Heights is a breezy $2,400 and has 3.5 bedrooms! While we don’t believe in half-bedrooms, we do believe in full-sized bedrooms that only look shrimpy in comparison with queen-sized ones—and that’s the case here. Separate living room, too. “Have friends in Bed-Stuy?” asks the listing, which offends me. And if you don’t have friends, rest assured that pets are allowed. Off the Utica Av 3/4/5 train.
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Is that carpet? God, if that’s steam-cleaned fresh carpet someone can do me on it. Probably the most underrated amenity in this adorable Crown Heights 2-bedroom for $1,500, which also features the cutest kitchenette this side of the movie Pleasantville. Natural light, closet space and a free spray-bottle of Tilex completes the picture of ’50s era domesticity, hopefully without the grim souvenirs of unfettered patriarchy. Off the Ralph Av C.