Happy December, guys. If you haven’t moved already, then you’d better do it quick before the temperatures reach full vortex. Also, trust me when I say that nothing sucks worse than dragging a bed-frame through the snow. So! This week’s apartments feature three-bedroom steals, two-bedrooms priced like one-bedrooms and general merriment to give you a little Christmas cheer about your real estate prospects.
First on the docket is this sweet $2,700 3-bedroom in Crown Heights, because yellow walls amirite. Beyond the walls, though, it’s also got an eat-in kitchen and queen-bed ready rooms! Laundry is hopefully in-building or in-unit, since it’s listed as an amenity. A “gracious layout” featuring “multiple entry ways”—anyone else feel like they’re listening to a flesh magazine talk about one of its centerfolds?—and free gas, too. Hop-skip from the A/C at Nostrand.
______________________________
Also in “nice walls,” this floor-though 3-bedroom beaut in Bed-Stuy with a lovely salmon coat. For just $2,200! This listing is cute because it calls the neighborhood “up-and-coming,” which is easily the most original term in the real estate lexicon. There’s a living room, ample storage and some kind of island nook situation that you can turn into a breakfast bar. You might be on your own for things like laundry and kitchen appliances, but would you look at that hardwood! Halfway between the Utica A/C and the Gates J.
______________________________
Exposed brick more than makes up for the white-washed walls on this 4-bedroom 2-bathroom in Bensonhurst for $2,400. Yes, you read right: that’s an easy $600/person. Pets are allowed, too, so if you get the cat to pay rent you might just make it through the winter! Apparently there is a grey kitchen. They might mean “great” kitchen, or the kitchen might actually be grey. See for yourself! Off the 18th Av. stop on the N train.
______________________________
Talk about arch support: the Victorian detailing on this cheap 3-bedroom in Prospect Heights makes us a little weak in the knees. And it’s actually in Prospect Heights, for a change. It’s a good thing the photos speak for themselves, because there isn’t anything in the listing besides them. For the $2,300 price tag, though, we’re still betting this place rocks. Pets allowed. Off the Clinton-Washington C.
______________________________
Hey, look, a no-fee apartment with three bedrooms/two bathrooms, and all you have to do is shell out $2,400 for it! This nice lil’ pad in Bed-Stuy also boasts fancy kitchen, private backyard, and separate living room. One of the listed amenities is just “light.” Sounds like our kind of dive. Off the Kozciusko J train.
______________________________
Last up in the bigger shares, we’ve got this killer 3-bedroom pad in Ditmas Park. Look. Look at it. I had trouble picking which photo to use, you guys, that’s how great this place looks. Specifics of the greatness: elevator building, washer/dryer in unit, dishwasher-equipped, and massive living space with a bay window view that puts Bushwick rooftops to shame. “His and Hers sinks,” however the fuck that manifests. Sure, it’s a little pricier at $2,800, but when you have a separate sink for bae, it’s all worth it, no? Off the Beverly Q.
______________________________
Downsizing one bedroom never looked this cheap. Someone call dibs on this sweet Flatbush 2-bedroom for $1,400! Photos may be dank and pixelated, but luckily real life never is. Or, maybe the agent is trying to keep this on the down-low. Especially since the title of the listing is “Brand New Sst. Appliances,” like he’s whispering for you to come and enjoy the appliances discreetly? I did just use Google and found that it probably refers to “stainless steel,” but you know what? Go ahead and decide for yourself what acronyms stand for, ya lousy house hunters. Between the Q and 2/5 trains at Beverly.
______________________________
Last up, friends, prepare yourself for the mother of all deals this week: a no-fee 2-bedroom for under $1,600 in Flatbush. Again, the photos probably don’t do this deal justice, so check it out in person. That floor looks like it has absolutely no friction. Prewar, pets allowed and right next to the subway. The listing knows, it knows how bad we want cheap housing: the only thing it says is, “This just in….” Off the Beverly 2/5.