Guys, I’m grumpy. I know it may seem out of character; after all, Brokelyn has long been known for its particular brand of naïveté and its irresistible joie de vivre. But today, finding cheap places to live was actually a nightmare. After fishing through listings for at least one whole Dandy Warhols album, we can certainly bring you places worth moving into in Crown Heights, Flatbush, Kensington, Bushwick and more. But be forewarned, the worst-season-to-move is imminent. The scarcity of this week’s listings is just the beginning!
With that omen in mind, let’s take a look at a great apartment. This 5-bedroom, 2-bathroom spot in Flatbush is just $3,000! You’re signing up for three flashy queen-sized bedrooms, one king-sized with a private bathroom (for the trust fund baby), and one full-sized room/home office. Beautiful walk-through kitchen and a separate dining room. It’s even got an elevator (for the trust fund baby). Laundry’s in the building too, pets are allowed, and it’s just two blocks to the Church Av 2/5.
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Normally we wouldn’t dream of foisting a $1k per person place on you, but this $4,000 4-bedroom, 2.5-bathroom in Bed-Stuy is fully furnished! Just imagine that extra dough you were saving up for a massive, regret-filled trip to IKEA is now invested into everything that’s already here. Dishwasher, leather sofa, glass coffee table—you can display all your Chuck Klosterman hardcovers!—throw rug, and leather bar stools. The quintessential item of this apartment is easily the “rolling granite island,” a movable kitchen counter you can bring into the living room to julienne veggies in front of all your friends on the sofa. Also, a “plethora of cabinetry.” Off the Kingston-Throop C.
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Guess what’s back, back again. It’s the building in Kensington that likes cats! Remember it from our pet epidemic edition? Only instead of a two bedroom, this one has three. So for $2,495, you can move into a spacious pre-war, elevator-equipped building with a washer/dryer. Three evenly-sized rooms, archways for days, a dishwasher, hardwood flooring and as many cats as your burgeoning spinster heart could possibly desire. Off the Church Av F/G.
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“Prewar” my ass. This $3,000 4-bedroom in Stuy Heights may have old outsides, but the inside is downright neo-futurist. The gut-reno duplex features private backyard access and queen-sized bedrooms. You will also never exhaust all of that kitchen cabinetry. There’s a washer-dryer in the building, bike storage, and even a roof deck. The only downside on this spot is central air, which while highly effective is also highly expensive. Hey, at least you will always feel like you’re on the set of The Minority Report. Off the Ralph Av C.
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The photos say it all in this Bay Ridge 4-bedroom/2-bathroom for $2,750. Or at least, the listing doesn’t say much more. That’s probably because they claim you “must see to appreciate!” Well, it sounds like the living room doubles as a dining room, and the rooms look evenly-sized enough. And for $688 apiece, we’re not asking too many more questions. Alas, no pets. Off the 77 St R.
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Alright, just one more 3-bedroom. This one’s in Bushwick! It costs $2,400. It is renovated. It has a spiral staircase and a skylight breakfast bar. And a “passthru” window? What, like you can jump out of it one day? Oh, wait, like those little kitchen windows. Got it. Two king-sized bedrooms and one queen-sized. Off the Halsey J.
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Alright, guys and gals, last of the day. We’ve got a 2-bedroom for $1,600 that is probably in Flatbush? We say probably because the map pin is way off of Union Street, which is several blocks north of there. Union is a long street, and doesn’t get into Crown Heights ’til farther east. So you’ll have to call the agent and see exactly where it is. On the bright side, the prewar finishings look mighty nice and it sounds big for a two-bed. Ooh, and it has an extra baby room! Billed as either a child’s bedroom or a walk-in closet, because the two are clearly interchangeable.