A record was set today in Greenpoint: Acme Smoked Fish Corp. and Zucker’s Bagels joined forces to create the largest bagel and lox known to man.
The event took place in front of a large crowd at Acme’s 30 Gem Street warehouse. The Loxening began with the smearing of 40 pounds of cream cheese (a task which required instruments far larger than a butter knife) followed promptly by the placing of the smoked salmon – 30 pounds of it. Next were the tomatoes, then the onions, and finally, capers were gently, and then violently, shook onto the top. At last, the bagel’s top was placed upon the mass, and then the bagel makers were faced with a challenge: How to get Goliath off its table and onto the scale. After much strategizing, it was ultimately achieved with the help of multiple unfolded and industrial-sized Acme cardboard boxes, which were used as a support for the bagel king, who clocked in at 213 pounds. The crowd went wild.
Mere minutes after being constructed, the bagel was blessed by a local rabbi, sawed in half, and handed out to the people. It was delicious. Some eyewitness bagel accounts below.