You love bacon. I know because you don’t ever stop talking about it. You tell your vegan friends: “I could give up meat,” then you scream: “except for BACON!!!” as you render flesh from its package still raw and slap it all over your body to form a bacon jumpsuit, bursting through the door into the summer sun to let it cook both the meat and your body alive so you can live the rest of your days as a walking bacon golem, until you eat yourself into oblivion, which will take about 10 minutes, because you just can’t control yourself around bacon. If there’s a new bacon flavored product, you’ll break into a bodega in the middle of the night to try it, before complaining that it needs MORE BACON. You put bacon on your salads, bacon on your brussel sprouts and smash bacon into your mac and cheese, just to be sure anyone who doesn’t eat bacon never touches your food or breathes non-bacon-scented air into your space.
Good for you, you found a passion in life, and you’d slaughter that pig from Babe with your own hands just so people know bacon is your “thing.” Now you can use that passion to actually get paid: Extra Crispy, the new Time Inc. site launched today dedicated to covering breakfast, because sure why not the internet needs more content, is hiring a freelance bacon critic “to cover the bacon beat, spanning bacon’s role in food, drinks, and culture” and generally service other people who will die if they don’t talk about bacon once a day. Yep, it’s real job, and everything you dreamed about in journalism school when you first took that Meat Fetish Content for the Digital Age class.
The bacon critic can live anywhere in the country and will spend a three-month appointment researching, writing about, obsessing over and critiquing bacon.
“The Extra Crispy Bacon Critic needs to be opinionated and thorough in his or her research, and will be expected to eventually decide which bacon is the best in the country. Other qualifications include serious writing chops, an unmistakable voice, a sense of adventure, and an insatiable hunger—for bacon.”
To apply, send a send a short essay of fewer than than 600 words about your favorite bacon-related memory to firstname.lastname@example.org by June 24. Writers with funny and memorable stories are preferred. More info here. No word on if this job comes with health insurance/a heart attack rewards card.
How do you know there’s a vegan in the room? Don’t worry, they’ll cry for help as they’re being trampled to death by everyone else stampeding to get this job. Anyway, remember that bacon was an inside job and here’s where your bacon comes from. Good luck!