How can a millennial possibly choose?

Who’s going to capture the millennial vote in the 2016 presidential race? It’s a question that will surely be on the minds of political reporters and harried campaign staff wondering why they got into this stupid game in the first place. Despite the race being almost a year away, we’ve got our first millennial-pandering swag shots fired from PACs representing the two presumed frontrunners in the race,with a Jeb Bush flask from Millennials for Jeb and Ready for Hillary mason jars Hillary Clinton. Still, when voting with your dollars, what are you, the millennial voter, going to be swayed by more?

Jeb Flask, $30 from the Millennials for Jeb store

millennials for jeb flask

Whatever ideological quibbles we have with the former governor of Florida, we will say that we could see the the Jeb Bush flask becoming a hit with young people. This appeals to voters on both sides of the aisle, whether you’re the type drinking out of it because you genuinely think that what America needs is a third Bush presidency backed up by the same foreign policy genius that brought us Gulf War II: Gulf Harder or ironically because the cartoon Jeb on the front makes him look like a turtle thinking hard about the future. The perfect receptacle for heavy drinking on the sly when the guy who ran as a centrist for a whole election appoints a Supreme Court justice who’ll overturn Roe v. Wade.

Ready for Hillary mason jars, $20.16 from the Ready for Hillary store


Hillary Clinton, or H-Dawg as the kids call her, has already thrown some millennial chum in the presidential waters with the rumors of parking her campaign in Brooklyn, so the mason jar is a perfect continuation of that thread. Sure, you could see the mason jar as symbolizing the faux-populist, utterly false aesthetic that pops up everywhere in Brooklyn as if spread by spores, but we can’t imagine that ever coming back to hurt someone as down to Earth, as understanding of the plight of the common man as H-Dawg.

If you think these are bad though, just wait a few months for a Rand Paul PAC to come out with rolling papers or a Martin O’Malley draft group that sells a t-shirt drawn with him as Martin Prince.

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