Monday night I turned 32 years old and got kicked out of a bar for the first time in so many years that I was surely a didn’t-know-better 20-something the last time it happened. To make it worse, it was Hank’s, my local musty dive where the bar for getting kicked out is so high I’ve seen blasted regulars limbo under it while shadowboxing the voices in their heads. Yet Monday, a spilled drink escalated into a shouting match with the bartender which escalated into the throwing of water and mad accusations about tipping, and then the ol’ angry 86. Demerit badge achieved!
Getting booted from a dive like Hank’s feels like a particularly ignoble honor, kinda like the brokester analog to being given VIP entrance into The Jane. So that’s my Brooklyn demerit badge, the iconic moment that made me question my life decisions. We’ve all got these, the just slightly cliche things you can check off your bizarro BK bucket list: common demerits include getting busted for drinking on the train or leaving your CSA at the bar or doing any kind of performance art.
So! Let’s all share ours and wallow in our collective poor decision making: the person with the best badge gets promoted to Brooklyn Eagle Scout. Team Brokelyn shares their badges below:
Demerit earned: Union Pool Hookups Badge
A guy bit my face at Union Pool. I went to work the next day with teeth marks on my cheekbone. Like, chomped. I must have gone with it, because we def kept making out. But there was a bite.
Demerit earned: Almost Made it Home Badge
One night I drunkenly got out of the taxi right in front of my door, then face-planted into the pavement, busting my eye open at 4am. I had to show up to work on Monday with a black eye and tell people I hadn’t been fighting, I was drunk.
Then, by the time everything healed, that next friday, I came home super drunk again and got mugged. they hit me in the other eye and gave me a black eye. Bleeding at my front door at 4am again. Two straight weeks of alternating black eyes.
Demerit earned: Being “That Guy” at the Mermaid Parade
I showed my dick to Coney Island once. At this year’s Mermaid Parade, I decided it would be a good idea to cool off by going swimming in my boxers. After I got out of the water, I thought I heard people laughing at me when I walked by them. But it was Coney Island the day of the Mermaid Parade, so it was loud and I figured I was hearing things. Until I passed a woman who looked at me, pointed at my crotch and shouted, “Yo, put that thing away.”
Demerit earned: Faulty Recycling Badge
Once I went swimming in Coney Island and needed to brush my hair afterwards, so I used a fork. But it was a dirty plastic fork and I didn’t realize it so I got funnel cake in my hair.
Demerit earned: Dude Where’s My Car? Badge
Three weeks after I moved to Brooklyn I drove my car to get drinks with a friend and then the next day I couldn’t find it. After searching my neighborhood all day long, I reported it stolen and canceled my insurance. Then three months later, I was riding down Flatbush in an Arecibo car and I saw my Mazda. Turns out it had sat there for three months, in exactly the same spot I parked it across from the Prospect Park Zoo, gas light still on, no tickets on the dashboard even though it was in a street cleaning zone?
I couldn’t even drive it because my “break in insurance” precluded me from getting re-insured. So I got the fucker off the street, professionally towed to my grandma’s in South Toms River, New Jersey where it sat in her garage until I rode the bus down there two months later and sold it for $1500.
Demerit earned: The We’ve All Already Dated Each Other Badge
I’m unable to date people without it being a friend’s best friend. A guy I just recently went on dates with, I found out he knows my friend. Fine, but, then I found out that I met him three years ago and photographed him and had no idea and then found the photos on my hard drive. Whoops.
Another guy I dated was living in NJ so I thought I was safe. Then he was talking about his best friend loving the vegan menu at Paulie Gee’s and suddenly i asked if it was this dude who happened to be the last guy I dated.
-Anonymous female Team Brokelyn member
Demerit earned: Bedford Avenue All-Star Badge
In a series of unfortunate New Year’s Eve events, I made out with a French stranger, left an entire Fornino pizza atop a cab, barfed on Bedford Ave., where I was standing in a puddle of snow and slush and gross Bedford, with pizza atop cab. I don’t know if anyone stopped to help me, I don’t know if it was on me, I don’t know anything. Then I woke up to discover my hangover was actually pneumonia. Thanks, guy!
-Anonymous female Team Brokelyn member
Add yours in the comments!
Follow Tim for live demerit badge achievements: @timdonnelly.