While 2016 may be a mere one-digit adjustment on your document signatures, the meaning of the New Year runs deeper. It brings with it a longstanding tradition of “out with the old” as we say goodbye to old flames, bad habits and dated perspectives, introducing creative pursuits, gym memberships and professional goals in their places. We promise to be better, do better. And just to make things official, we call these promises resolutions.
Now, let’s be honest here: New Year’s resolutions are bad lies. You make them and break them within a few weeks. There isn’t much use for them — unless, of course, you’re telling other people how they can change their lives. Seeing as how it would be a public service for us to do so, here are some suggested New Years’ resolutions for the visible people, places and objects in New York that continually dissatisfy us.
For the Franklin Avenue horseman (and his horse): Create a superhero persona; costume optional. Pitch the TODAY show about doing a press release flashmob with The Federation and Terry Crews. Long-term goal: seed bike lanes with fertilizer-ready plants.
For Aziz Ansari: Master at least one.
For the Christopher Columbus of Brooklyn: Go West, young man! Settle Jersey City, then Buffalo. Cross the border, and settle the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Then tear up your American passport. Long-term 2016 goal: Settle down.
For the Mast Brothers: Go clean-shaven, to prove them all wrong. Say ‘fuck it’ and have another experimental year by melting down bodega-grade chocolate and selling it as fun-size $5 mystery bars. Long-term 2016 goal: Write your memoirs.
For the MTA: Learn to do more with less! For instance, take a craft class so you can learn to build countdown clocks that will tell us how delayed our trains are out of felt and popsicle sticks. Use the money saved there to avoid another fare hike.
For the amNY crossword puzzle makers: Find vowels in words other than ONES, ERGO and IOWA.
For the Fourth Avenue Pub: Fix the popcorn machine, for the love of God.
For the Manhattan-bound N Train: Resolve to collectively use deodorant.
For Williamsburg: Embrace the present: this is you now. But resolve to create fewer crappy webseries, and more opportunities to damn the Man like the neighborhood you once were. Long-term 2016 goal: a bonafide Brooklyn “museum mile,” featuring Guggenheim and MoMa outposts alongside the MoFaD.
For the Barclays Center: Get another team. What’s up with the Sabres?
For the Mets: Don’t let one year of success go to your head, keep offering comically cheap tickets for your passionate but broke fans.
For the Real Estate Industry: Rebrand as “Surreal Estates Industry” to better target the market. Hold all future summits in the sewers for privacy/acoustics. Long-term 2016 goal: cultivate some goddamn human decency.
For the rodentia of New York City: The throne is empty. Hold a Hunger Games style competition to determine who will be the next year’s Pizza Rat. May the odds be ever in your favor.
For roommates: Buy toilet paper, like, one time maybe.
Resolutions by Eric Silver, David Colon, Tim Donnelly, Lilly Vanek, Cat Wolinski and Sam Corbin