It’s happened to all of us: you go online to look up one thing and that leads to another and when you come to, you’ve lost hours of your lives to the suckhole of the Internet. We’ve all been trapped in “The Matrix,” the title of Episode 6. Actually, it’s even happening to me right now. After blacking out on searches for Judge Judy episodes, bizarre BuzzFeed quizzes like “What dead child star are you?” and even a flash of Tinder searches (a first mention of the app on the show) Abbi and Ilana decide to completely unplug for a day. Of course, chaos ensues.
A. and I. decide to do a trial-run of internet-free living by leaving their cell phones at home and roller blading to Ilana’s brother Eliot’s dog’s wedding (yes) in Prospect Park. If you recall from last season, weddings are already not our girls’ strong suit (see Season 1, Episode 8, “Destination: Wedding”). Turns out they aren’t so hot at roller-blading, either.
First thing that goes wrong is they don’t remember where exactly in Prospect Park the dog wedding is, and because they don’t have their phones, they can’t look it up or call anyone. “I miss the blue light,” says Ilana. “I want to marry the blue light,” says Abbi. It’s not all bad, though; they get excited by a group of guys playing soccer, taking turns yelling “Wanna fuuuuck?” from the sidelines, but when the ball comes Abbi’s way and she tries to kick it back, she slips on her roller blades and falls on her butt. (I’ve been there, girl; trying to hit on guys at Prospect Park is always a bust.) Abbi’s take-away? “Man, my first impression is always better on Tinder. I suck without the internet, dude. It’s like, I’m too real for it, you know?”
Then, Abbi speeds down a hill and falls into a very deep ditch, spraining her ankle. Ilana leaves her two joints (which she keeps inside an old birth control case, anyone ever done that?) and some figs, and skates away to get help.
Meanwhile, tensions are high at the dog wedding. Eliot snaps at Lincoln for mistaking the dog quiche for human quiche. The officiant, played by Janine Garofalo, reports that the bride chihuahua, Poppy, has a case of “cold paws”–poor Lincoln gets yelled at again for laughing at this, because apparently “cold paws” is not a euphemism, it’s “a serious disease in the chihuahua community…the number one killer of chihuahuas.” Eliot is also freaking because he has a crush on the bride’s human dad, Brandon, he’s sweating profusely, and oh Ilana was the one who was bringing the dog rings (which are being used as toe rings on Abbi’s swollen toes).
Back in the ditch, Abbi is getting high and trying to distract herself from the pain of her ankle with a great stoned monologue:
“I’m down the shore with my family, we’re at the beach…no, fuck that! I am at dinner with Elijah Wood and people are saying that we’re so cute together, and all we get is dessert. No, fuck that! I am at an extravagant flea market, with Mark Ruffalo, yes! All we want is some wooden milk crates to line our office/maybe our nursery one day, but we don’t say that but everybody knows….No! I am in Turks and Caicos with Taye Diggs; there’s no pain when you’re getting your grooove on.”
…while Ilana gets so in touch with her inner nature-woman she gets sidetracked, making out with a tree, doing other gross stuff with a tree and smoking dog shit wrapped in leaves. Finally she finds the “Dog wedding gazebo,” interrupts the wedding and rallies everyone to come rescue Abbi, who by now has devolved into a Castaway-esque Tom Hanks and Wilson situation with one of the figs Ilana gave her. “Dude, I was gone for like 25 minutes. Half hour, tops,” Ilana says, upon seeing Abbi’s deranged state. “It felt like a lot longer,” says Abbi.
All’s well that ends well, as the bard says. Abbi gets out of her hole, the dogs get married, Eliot and Brandon flirt with each other. But will Abbi adjust to life without Fig?
Broad City Brokester tip of the week: Getting out in nature can be good for you, but be careful, or you’ll find yourself with a swollen ankle and an expensive ambulance ride to pay for.