Presidential debates are significant, serious, consequential, and, like most things in American politics, heavily scripted, predictable and better when a little bit drunk. Even though the election seems to be swinging for Barry already, maybe Mitt had a secret debate program uploaded into his mainframe like The Matrix and will actually come in tonight guns ablazin’ and surprise us all.
To keep you engaged in the political process while giving you something to do besides rolling your eyes and yelling at the TV, we created the drinking game below, which is fully playable and only slightly sarcastic. Print this out or pull it up on your smartphones while you either head to one of these watch parties or stream it for free at home. Debate time begins at 9pm tonight. Cheers to democratic engagement!
-Any mention of “Iraq,” “Afghanistan,” “Libya” or “Iran”
-Obama says “Talyban,” in that Harry Belafonte way
-For every partial, misused or misquoted aphorism or adage on stage (See GWB “Fool me once…”)
-Anyone says “folks”
-Anyone makes a folksy reference to a voter in the Midwest
-Anyone says “bailout”
-Anyone goes over time and Jim Lehrer has to issue a smackdown
-“Obamacare” mentioned (bonus drink if Obama says “But I do care!”)
-Anyone says “veterans” or “the troops”
-Anyone mentions a major world capital
-Anyone says “middle class”
-Anyone says “ZING!” or “BOOM!” after an answer
-Anyone says “Bain” (2 bonus drinks if done in Bane voice)
-Every time Romney runs from his record as governor of Massachusetts
-For each Romney-bot Laugh_Program.exe instance
-Direct Occupy Wall Street or Tea Party reference (bonus drink if includes screenshot of costumed protester)
-Obama mentions something positive George W. Bush did
-Romney mentions something positive Bill Clinton did
-Romney tries to riff on “hope” or “change” themes
-Either candidate caught yawning, looking bored or texting during debate
-Romney says “O-bummer”
-Obama says “Mitt Zombie”
-The audience boos any answer
-If Donald Trump is spotted anywhere near the building
-Awkward pop culture reference by either candidate (If “Gangnam Style,” take 5 drinks and dance in a wind tunnel for the remainder of debate)
-Anyone quotes the Bible or the Book of Mormon (the play or the book)
-Tortured analogy about cars driving off fiscal cliffs
-Clint Eastwood reference
-Kal Penn reference
-Either candidate says “Google it!”
– Cut shot to Michelle Obama lookin’ fiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
TAKE A SHOT
-Every time either candidate promises to be a president for Main Street, and not Wall Street
-If Romney suggests invading Iran
-If a meme is instantly created during the debate (see “internets,” “lockbox”)
-If Romney backpedals on his comments about Obama sympathizing with terrorists
-If Romney doubles down on his comments about Obama sympathizing with terrorists
-Romney goes into birther territory
-Anyone refers to an invisible person in an empty chair
-If Obama mentions “drones” and cheekily points to Romney
-Anytime Obama talks about the Bowles-Simpson commission, then another shot because you’ll never ever get to partake in Social Security
SWAP DRINKS WITH THE PERSON TO YOUR RIGHT
-If anyone says “redistribution”
-Obama says “citizenship”
-Anyone says “I want to be president for the 100 percent”
FINISH THE BOTTLE
-Cut shot to Biden with a lady in his lap
-If Obama brushes his shoulders off
-Romney actually attempts to defend “soaking,” the planet “Kolob,” “magic undies,” or other actual facets of Mormonism
-If Obama pulls off a mask to reveal he’s really Bill Ayers and then pulls off THAT mask to reveal he’s been Jeremiah Wright all along
-Joe Biden runs in carrying Paul Ryan with a stake through his chest, yelling excitedly that he “bagged himself a vampire.”
-Jim Lehrer says “bullshit”
-If Mitt says “Barack Hussein Obama” menacingly
-Romney tries to make a wager (drink another bottle if it’s more than $10,000)
-Special guest co-moderator: Jay Z
-Encore by hologram Ronald Reagan
WATERFALL (first person to get the drink to their mouth is the starting point)
-When Mitt Romney starts describing plan to create 12 million jobs. End when any concrete plans are revealed or his time expires, whichever happens first.
-When Romney begins squirming answer to the inevitable 47 percent question until he finishes with foot firmly in mouth.
-Chug through all discussion of abortion, because honestly why are we still talking about this?
-Gun control debate involves anyone doing “finger guns:” Pick someone and and serve them three shots, declaring it’s your Constitutional right to do so
-Romney actually fesses up to not caring about poor people: Six shots of gruel to everyone in the room; whoever is on food stamps is beer bitch for the rest of election season.
-Obama runs out of fucks to give and says he’ll legalize pot: Everyone in the room takes 4-foot bong hits and watches two seasons of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
-Romney says emergency rooms are good for people without health insurance: Flaming tequila shots until you pass out and then go soak in all that free emergency room care.
-Obama says he’ll use a second term to make sure gay marriage is legal, everywhere: Whiskey shots all around while standing and saluting your flag like a damned American.
Game compiled by the shouldn’t-they-be-doing-something-productive? team of Eric Silver, David Colon, Tim Donnelly, Rachel DeLetto, Conal Darcy and Rachel Eve Stein.