02/13/15 4:06pm
It's either this, or going outside. Via simplyrecipes.com

It’s either this, or going outside. Via simplyrecipes.com

Very soon, that most beloved/behated holiday of the year is going to fall upon us: Valentine’s Day. Of course, this means that people are in the position to spend lots of money for the sole purpose of impressing their significant other, but for Brokelyners, it means something very different: time to start making stuff. Yep, everyone knows that hand-made gifts are better because: 1. It translates your true love and compassion and 2. You’re so poor you use delivery napkins as toilet paper. Also, good God, it’s murder-stoppingly cold outside.

Making dinner for your boyfriend/girlfriend is an instant panty/boxer dropper, saves you a ton of money, and couldn’t be easier to do. To illustrate that point, here are two super-simple recipes for a romantic night snuggled up inside with the thermostat set to 90°. (more…)

02/13/15 11:12am
A little jizz in the hair would be a welcome relief in these dating stories.

A little jizz in the hair would be a welcome relief in these dating stories.

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, which means that everyone’s mind is on love or sex or dating, despite the fact that it’s almost universally an awful cesspool of vomit, inappropriate come-ons, cheapskates, chair throwers, bail jumpers, crybabies and drunk assholes who’ll drop you off their bikes. OK fine, there might be some hope out there, but let’s take a moment to remember just how bad things can be in the dating world with these stories of the worst dates Team Brokelyn has ever been on. (more…)

02/10/15 9:23am

saks 5th avenue brooklyn perfume

Brooklyn hasn’t always been the in-demand hot spot it is today. Now, not only does everyone from Hillary Clinton to J. Crew want in, but the name itself has become a brand. In the vein of “put a bird on it,” if you put “a Brooklyn on it,” retailers figure that merchandise will fly off the shelves. Barneys, Saks Fifth Avenue, Etsy; no matter if it’s a handmade merchant or high-end retailer, we were able to find bizarre or exorbitantly priced (sometimes both) Brooklyn-branded items like a $700 python-skin Nets hat or a $200 Brooklyn Bridge onesie that literally looks like shit, that will make the perfect anti-Valentine’s Day gift. Buy your sweetheart any of these and you can almost ensure a hasty break-up. (more…)

02/06/15 12:50pm
sweet, sweet Photobooth action at the Greenpointers market. via mcbrooklyn blogspot

Sweet, sweet Photobooth action at the Greenpointers market. Via mcbrooklyn blogspot.

If you know what’s good for you this holiday, you won’t be setting foot anywhere near Katz’s or Serendipity. While all those lousy Manhattanites are piddling around trying to recreate scenes from rom-coms, we of Brooklyn have you all set up with a bunch of better ideas for the big day and the week leading up to it. None of our suggestions will cost you $1,000, and every single one gives you the chance to do what this borough does best—either with somebody special, or a total stranger! (more…)

02/06/15 8:00am
brokelyn beer book

Beer would never break up with you.

Flowers and dour, sweets are beat and all those other heteronormative gifts are really heterBOREmative gifts. This Valentine’s Day, don’t disappoint your boo with some Hallmark-approved shlock (or, heavens forbid, a ticket to see Fifty Shades of Grey). Because instead, what says “I love you” more than “here are 30 free beers now let’s go get druuuuunk”?

Today is the last call to order the Brokelyn Beer Book in time for delivery before Valentine’s Day. Our middle Brooklyn (Park Slope, Cobble Hill, Red Hook, etc) edition already sold out for the year, but you can still buy one for South Brooklyn & Rockaway or our brand new Upper Brooklyn book, which contains coupons for beers at more than 30 bars in Williamsburg, Bushwick, Bed-Stuy and Greenpoint for just $30! Order one here now; they’re only available once a year! (more…)

02/04/15 2:41pm
tinder live

Now with more prison! via Zoomin.tv

It seems that you can’t even have a conversation without the mention of Tinder, the seedy characters involved and the bizarre narrative that usually follows. You may have also seen Lane Moore tear it apart on the site in a web-based version of her cheap comedy show, Tinder LIVE. If you haven’t made it out to the actual show though, this time around she is bringing you a version of it that could really kindle your flame, by doling out love advice and Tinder zingers with the all-star cast of Orange is the New Black including that trigger-happy Yoga Jones (Connie Shulman, who is also the voice of Patti Mayonnaise!) and nun-gone-bad Sister Jane (Beth Fowler).  (more…)


If your Valentine’s Day game has been somewhat lacking in the past, then Greenpointers is the answer to all of your cupid-related anxieties. This weekend, they’re holding their annual Valentines Market to help you get your romance game up to the next level with gifts you can buy your sweetie from 60+ vendors set up to help out in all things romantic. Plus, you’ll find us there hawking the newest edition of our Beer Book, featuring over 30 different bars all itching to give you cheap beer (because if your S.O. isn’t into cheap beer, then you should probably break it off) because, what’s more romantic than beer?

brucie kimye

Take your motorcycle there!

You may have noticed that with today’s date, we’ve officially crossed into the moment where there’s less than one month left until Valentine’s Day. No pressure, but definitely start scrambling for romantic things to do, perhaps even the MOST romantic thing you can do. One idea? Head to Cobble Hill’s Brucie, where Eater notes they’re serving up a Kimye-themed V-Day menu with items like Mak N Kheese and All Foie’s Down. You get it? You get it. (more…)

02/14/14 8:03am
All you need to have a delicious Valentine's Day. Photo by Isaac Anderson

All you need to have a delicious Valentine’s Day. Photo by Isaac Anderson

Valentine’s Day is here, and you’ve decided to opt-out of corporate conglomerate drugstores and their overpriced, crappy chocolate in tacky, throwaway, “heart”-shaped packaging. Maybe you’ll take the high road and eschew this questionable product, instead splurging on your someone special by taking them out for a Beyonce-themed meal, but this is Brokelyn, and you don’t have that kind of money–well, that, and maybe you’re not dating anyone, anyway, because decent Brooklyn dudes make themselves scarce and BK ladies are overly picky, so you’ll likely still just unceremoniously stuff your face on all that bullshit chocolate anyway when it goes on sale after all of this forced fanfare is over.

But friends, readers, boroughmen, fear not! There is a third way that comes from your real, still-beating, heart and your tiny, underutilized kitchen: DIY chocolate truffles. While not quite as cheap as an entirely free Valentine’s Day, the bang for your buck for these baller balls cannot be beat, and you can totally serve them in your own, anatomically-correct heart to boot–as in a paper-mâché one you make, not that aforementioned, pulsing hunk of muscle in your chest: you still need that one! (more…)

02/13/14 3:23pm
"What? You said you wanted cookies for Valentine's Day and you wanted me to be honest." via Pamela Cooks

“What? You said you wanted cookies for Valentine’s Day and you wanted me to be honest.” via Pamela Cooks

People like talking about love on Valentine’s Day, as if it always works out and doesn’t involve massive amount of pain for people. Sure sometimes it works out for you, but just as often, you get hurt and you stay out drinking until 6am to feel better, and wind up in a bar where someone is throwing up and being louder then a jet engine. Anyway, getting dumped: it sucks!

The worst one that happened to me hurt so much because it was so unexpected. I’d been hanging out with a girl for few weeks and thought everything was going just fine. That is until one night after a night of drinking capped off with dinner at a Bushwick falafel joint, I asked her if she wanted to go to a show later that week. Only to have her start with the “I really really want to just go back to being friends” shpiel while we stood in cold outside the food place. That one is tame, especially compared to these other horror stories from Brokelyn contributors, but if you’ve never been dumped out of freaking nowhere in the middle of winter while the fluorescent lights of a cheap falafel place shone on you, you should consider yourself lucky. Because that shit hurts. But maybe not as much as these stories. (more…)