Two’s company, but three’s a crowd, unless it’s three people going together to Poughkeepsie, in which case you might need that third person to keep your ex-husband from shimmying down the chimney to get his Oxycontin.
Finally, someone is portraying the real millennial Brooklyn. The one that confronts their Oxycontin ex-husband in Poughkeepsie.
Allow me to explain. Marnie and Desi are still being so gross, and they decide to take a road trip to romantic Poughkeepsie for reasons that remain unclear. To help mask the charade, Hannah tags along. While squirreled away in their cabin, Marnie finds Desi’s mason jar full of Oxycontin, because — twist! — he’s been addicted to Oxy this whole time. Marnie, of course, does the entirely wrong thing, smashing his mason jar and stomping on his stash, turning Desi into a full-blown Marky Mark Fear monster, smashing windows and terrorizing Hannah and Marnie for a weird horror movie segment. The whole situation allows Hannah to drop some knowledge on Marnie: Maybe she didn’t realize her husband was pounding Oxy like they’re fucking Mentos because she’s too busy always thinking of her self. Mind blown. (more…)
Are you a chill goth? Keep reading. via Flickr user Bryan Ledgard
Goths, Cure fans, countrymen: Lend us your ears! Has your chosen subculture not led to the fame or financial reward that all Americans deserve from birth? Did you not get picked when Martin Scorsese came looking for punks and weirdos for his TV show? Well that’s okay because MTV wants you and they’re younger than some lol old like Martin Scorsese. The only catches are that they don’t want just any goths, they want “legit goths” and you have to go up to Westchester. Still could be worth it. (more…)
It’s hot out there, possibly even too hot to read. If that’s the case for you, don’t worry about reading our list of cool things to do this weekend, instead just watch us talk about it on BK Live with our pal Richard Burroughs of The Brooklyn Reader (who agrees with us on the cosmic reading party). And while we were beard and Rangers-sweater free, it’s also the first of probably many segments on the summer we get to show off our sweet throwback jersey collection. If you wanna know more about our weekend picks, they are:
Season 2 of Broad City started last night, which means the return of our favorite hedonistic don’t-give-a-fuck slackers Abbi and Ilana. “In Heat” cast our stoned heroines in the dregs of NYC summer, dealing with all those #summerproblems we know so well: the bummer of chronic swamp ass, the grossness of trying to get it on without an AC unit, the utter futility of trying to dry your sweat with a hair dryer (has anyone tried this before?).
Even though we are so, so cold right now, did it make us miss summer? Nah, but it did make us feel like maybe we wasted our youth, and that we should have taken more bong rips and spent more time just hangin’ at Bed Bath & Beyond. (more…)
Maybe Hannah will write one of those “Leaving New York” personal essays
The seasons are changing, and with them brings the cool chill of millennial Brooklynites fucking up, fucking each other, and…moving to Iowa? That’s right, Girls may not be back until January, but the season four trailer dropped over the weekend.
Hannah looks happy writing about herself and frolicking in cow country, Adam seems apathetic and tortured about it (per usual), Marnie’s getting laid by her taken bandmate (which totally won’t backfire), Shosh is about to get bitch slapped real hard by “The Real World,” and by the end of the season Jessa will be dead with four midgets in an opium den in Saigon. I jest – but who knows? I wouldn’t put it past Lena. If anything, this season looks like it will be a nice departure from the very dark, grim, and ultimately depressing tone of the last. Hopefully things are on the upswing for these twentysomething tropes, because Girls is basically a Farmer’s Almanac for how well us millennials will weather the ensuing year.
Are you not afraid of this man? Then apply today! via Facebook
Hey there chefs, and chef wannabes (who can cook, this isn’t for you if you can’t cook), do you want a shortcut around our tips for moving up in the restaurant world? Do you not mind being yelled at by a large man holding a knife? Then you’re in luck, because Hell’s Kitchen is once again looking for a some chefs who want to make a name for themselves and don’t mind being screamed at by an on-camera lunatic! (more…)
People seem to like our guides to the weekend (which we appreciate of course), to the point where the people at Brooklyn Independent Media have asked us to pop up on BK Live sometimes and share our expertise. So, here’s a look at the show in which I’m featured along with the Brooklyn Reader‘s Richard Burroughs, and where I apparently am on a quest to set the world record for blinking in a TV appearance. For the record, the things to do this weekend that I mentioned are:
Piper and Larry in their Park Slope home, failing at a juice cleanse, like so many before them.
Who’s ready to go back to prison? Happy Orange is the New Black season 2 day! All 13 new episodes of the majorly binge-able hit Netflix dramedy dropped overnight, giving you lots more Piper and Alex, Taystee and Poussey and Pornstache and Crazy Eyes to destroy your weekend plans. The show mercifully shatters stereotypes about women characters on TV, giving us body and sexuality types that would only appear on a network show if all TV executives were actually thrown in SHU.
Of course, the show is based on the memoir of real-life Park Sloper Piper Kerman. While season 1 gave us lots of flashback scenes to Piper’s yuppie life in Brooklyn — and plenty of digs at Brooklyn idiosyncrasies, from juice cleanses to a writer character who lives off his parents — it also contains some full on references only people who know the borough would appreciate. (more…)
You may not have realized (and we wouldn’t blame you if you hadn’t) that Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? was still on TV. And yet somehow, the show taunting people with the dream of winning one million dollars, and then losing a bunch of it to taxes, is still going. You can audition for it next week in the city if you want. While we would usually not think this is a big deal, there’s a very awesome reason we do think it’s a big deal this time. Terry motherfucking Crews, the Ebony Falcon, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho himself, is the show’s new host. (more…)
Girls may have ended their third season looking like Hannah would choose the “MFA” side of the MFA vs. NYC argument and and head off to the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, but we all knew the show wouldn’t just be packing up and moving there. Especially with the University of Iowa saying “No fucking way,” to the show’s request to film on campus. And lo and behold, they’re coming crawling back already, but far away from the show’s usual stomping grounds, with Ditmas Park Corner noticing that the show will be filming in the neighborhood on Thursday and Friday this week. Bring your autograph books/noisemakers, depending on where you fall on the pro vs. anti Girls spectrum. (more…)