06/13/16 9:00am
'What’s avocado toast? Is that painful?' A time log of my father's recent visit to Brooklyn

Yeah, that’s my dad. Paige Goodloe / Brokelyn

DAY 0

8:04 am: I wake up, frantic and hungover. I begin to clean my apartment, which no living human other than me has stepped foot in for at least a month. After a few hours, every available drawer is stuffed to bursting with the random shit I’ve accumulated over the past few weeks/months/years, but it smells better. This looks good, I think to myself as I shove 12-15 cardboard boxes behind my headboard.

8:45 pm: I’m at work in midtown, waiting for my dad’s train to come in. I get a text: “The Eagle has landed.” I guess that means he’s here, though it might mean a literal eagle has landed on his bus. You never know with my dad.

9:15 pm:  He’s not at my office yet.

9:25 pm: Okay, where the fuck is he.

9:27 pm: He got mugged, he got kidnapped, he joined a gang. (more…)

05/16/16 11:00am
Yeah, okay, okay, it's really pretty. dumbonyc / Flickr

Yeah, okay, okay, it’s really pretty. dumbonyc / Flickr

The start of summer comes with an influx of pests: mosquitos, pantsplainers, street harassers… and of course tourists, some of whom happen to be your friends and family. As quaint as it can be to show them around and do a few touristy things, it can also be exhausting. There’s no doubt you’ll feel a financial strain within minutes of your first meal out, and a mental strain as try you explain to your beloved out-of-towners that he Rainbow Bagel isn’t worth the hype. But the next time your regularly-scheduled programming is interrupted by someone’s first trip to New York City, and Brooklyn at that, you won’t need to flounder for options, because you can simply take them on our Broketown Tours (TM) journey through DUMBO.

First an underutilized waterfront, then a refuge for artists, Dumbo has shifted from an area with one of the highest rents in the city over the course of just a few decades. So bring it back to its roots and still take in everything it has to offer without being an overcharged dumbo! We’ve put together a roundup of neighborhoods spots and sights that cater to tourists and locals alike in both their hype factors and their price points. Pace yourself and split food, and you can probably do most everything on this list for $20. After all, your tourist friends may only be here for a few days, but you live here, and you’ve still got a ways to go before you can afford your next vacation.  (more…)

07/27/15 10:07am
Taylor, help us. We're all waiting for you.

Taylor, help us. We’re all waiting for you.

Last night if you were hanging out online, you probably came across New York Magazine‘s devastating story in which they spoke to and photographed 35 women accusing Bill Cosby of rape and sexual assault. This morning though, you couldn’t read it. What people thought was just high demand turned out to be a DDOS attack by a hacker, but not just any hacker. This hacker claims to have a burning hatred for all things New York City due to a bad experience he had as a tourist here, and says he’ll continue to strike at any and all websites and businesses that have “New York” in their name.

Someone needs to talk this person down, before we face a future where the latest Style section or Andrea Peyser hate read isn’t available on the websites of the New York Times or New York Post, and as luck might have it, we’re supposed to have that hero waiting in the wings. Yet she’s been strangely silent at the moment. So if no one else will ask, we will: Where is our global tourism ambassador Taylor Swift to deal with this spurned tourist? (more…)

11/17/14 11:17am
brooklyn bridge

Locals only? via Flickr user David Papworth

The Brooklyn Bridge is a beautiful architectural jewel, a feat of engineering impressive both when it was built and 131 years later as it still stands. It’s also, for better or worse, a tourist attraction that brings out of towners, in love with the view and the aura of the bridge, clomping across it in huge numbers every day. It might be time to reexamine the relationship New York City allows tourists to have with the Brooklyn Bridge though, in light of yet another asshole deciding to make the bridge his own personal jungle gym. This is hardly the first crime committed by tourists against our iconic span lately, so the question must be asked, and we’ll be the ones to ask it: Is it time to ban tourists from setting foot on the Brooklyn Bridge? (more…)

09/23/14 8:00am
To the left to the left.

Drag your friends to the left to the left.

When you get the obnoxious call your college buddies want to spend the weekend in New York, you’re almost tempted to say, “No.” You might already forced to go into Manhattan five times a week, and Saturdays are meant for relaxing — not showing your friends a glamorized version of the city. Why should you spend two days shuffling your friends across the East River just to spend money on things you hate?

There’s no reason to give up your hard-earned time and money. It’s time to show your friends they don’t have to spend a fortune to have fun in this city. Here’s your guide showing them how Brooklyn is just as good as those overdone tourist spots, if not better. (more…)

03/21/14 1:56pm
citi bike

We might not like the whole rolling ad thing, but we can get behind blaming tourists for things. Photo by Mary Dorn

As we all know, Citi Bike is going through a bit of a financial crunch already, to the point where they might have to raise prices. Of course, no matter what the problem is with the bike share service, it’s not going to help them to do something like blame New Yorkers for not using it, so they’re doing the same thing that everyone in New York does: claiming that tourists are ruining everything, by not using the bikes in this case. Probably because they’re being hefty lazy Middle America stereotypes. (more…)

01/21/14 1:27pm
go new york tours

“And centered onscreen, you’ll find living proof of the ‘fool and his money’ adage.” via Facebook

What’s the best way to see an unfamiliar city? Having a friend take you around? Just hitting the street with a guidebook and talking to locals? Or how about speeding by on a bus where someone is screaming at you about how the area where you are is known as Times Square and it’s the place all New Yorkers love? Apparently some people pick the third one, and according to the New York Post, these people are unsatisfied with one of the companies for being rude, profane and uninterested in their clients’ good time. But that’s an authentic New York experience! (more…)

12/30/13 10:26am
the warriors

Your typical New York City resident, in the eyes of a potential Super Bowl visitor

As we all know, Mayor Bloomberg has been going around on a victory lap in his last days, touting his achievements on keeping New York City’s crime rate low. It sounded silly at first, but maybe we really does need to get the word out, because a poll of potential Super Bowl visitors found that their biggest fear was violent crime. Even weirder, a quarter of them said they wouldn’t feel safe on public transportation. This 80s nostalgia is taking a real weird turn, you guys. (more…)

10/07/13 3:36pm
Are they just camera-toting anthropomorphic Toys'R'Us bags? Yes, yes they are. via Flickr user Joe Shlabotnik

Are they just camera-toting anthropomorphic Toys’R’Us bags? Yes, yes they are. via Flickr user Joe Shlabotnik

The thing about NYC tourism is that it’s not like every tourist who comes here is a monster. New York is an interesting city, of course people would want to visit here. But then there’s the class of people who think Times Square is where you go to see New York. You wonder if it takes a congenital brain defect to think that the land of chains and Guy Fieri to get people to think “Of course I want to plan my vacation around this.” And a new Tumblr about the life of hotel concierges in Times Square confirms that maybe it does take that brain defect. (more…)