06/12/15 10:38am

If you’ve spent enough time on the internet, you’ve probably come across a video from Next Media Animation, better known as the Taiwanese Animators, the news service that makes baffling and wonderful CGI videos of events of importance. New York City is important of course, and so is our public safety, so the fine folks at Next Media decided to take a look at New York City’s decline in the use of stop-and-frisk and the increase in major crimes this year in only the way they can.

The resulting video, was of course, baffling and wonderful, and included scenes of Mayor Tall held up at gunpoint, Snake Plissken driving through the city and then being carjacked and mayhem on a scale the city hasn’t seen since the 1977 blackout. (more…)

02/13/15 1:22pm
Good thing this guy isn't around, huh?

Good thing this guy isn’t around, huh?

For the last 11 days, New York has been breaking a modern record by not once brutally murdering another human being! Good work, everybody! As the Daily News reports, we are now living in one of the longest streaks of murderlessness in recent history, which means that we are only months away from the perfect future-world described in the future-documentary, Demolition Man (but for real, three shells?). (more…)

01/15/15 10:07am
greenpoint hipster robbery

Have you seen this mustache?

If you’re going to commit the perfect crime, it’s very important you blend in with your surroundings, so that no one can identify you if you get pinched. A thief working Greenpoint definitely took a page out of that playbook, as the person who stole a $1,000 worth of stuff and a wallet from a restaurant looks like everyone else you might run into at Matchless or Warsaw. Well played, sir. Now shave your mustache, for fashion and practical (not getting caught) purposes. (more…)

12/29/14 11:14am
Look at these fucking hipsters

Look at these fucking hipsters

“Bring back the old New York!” grumbles everyone unsatisfied with the Taylor Swift(boat)-ing of the city, from the most jaded one-eyed bartender to the wettest behind the ears newbie who honestly probably shouldn’t be saying that. The crumbling infrastructure, the threat of bankruptcy everywhere, Ed Koch personally asking “How’m I doin’?” while fending off rumors about his sexuality. And of course, the crime.

Well, we can’t bring back all of it, least of all Ed Koch, but New Williamsburg got a taste of the Old Williamsburg this weekend, as Mob Wives human London Rene was stabbed at Output, according to TMZ. Yep, the era of TMZ reporting on Williamsburg has begun! (more…)

midwood tire slashing

We’d usually say whatever gets you off, but this is wrong. via Flickr user chorley.paul

In the most mysterious Brooklyn crime since we all woke up to a Brooklyn Bridge with white flags on top of it, a couple in Midwood decided to spend late Saturday/early Sunday morning puncturing tires up and down Midwood. All told, the suspects who still remain on the lam, slashed tires on 70 different cars according to CBS. Police haven’t revealed the names of the suspects, but we wonder if a certain pro-cycling Twitter account will take responsibility for this one. (more…)

11/12/14 2:59pm
holy rollers

Finally, Jesse Eisenberg gets the sequel he didn’t know he wanted to star in.

To a non-Jew, Brooklyn’s Hasidic community can often look foreign if you come from somewhere without a strong Orthodox presence. Hell, even non-Hasidic Jews sometimes don’t know what’s going on in these communities. As it turns out though, we might want to start cracking open that Talmud more often, because an awesome party guy was just busted holding on to an automatic rifle, LSD and mushrooms in Crown Heights Jewish youth center the ALIYA Institute. In his defense, none of those things are explicitly not kosher. (more…)

11/10/14 4:10pm
red hook ikea

It’s hard out there on the Ikea streets. via Flickr user Ham Hock

A long time ago, we told you about the best ways to get your malms ‘n’ things back from the Red Hook Ikea. It was a useful article, but in keeping with the times, we’ll suggest you also keep your head on a swivel there, or show up heavily armed, because according to DNA Info, crime is on the rise at Ikea. With any luck, things will calm down before the Swedish government sends a crack team of super soldat to restore order to the furniture store. (more…)

11/05/14 1:04pm

If you hadn’t heard, there have been a rash of stores in Harlem, Fort Greene and Bed-Stuy putting up signs stating that people wearing hoodies or masks in the store would be charged with trespassing. Masks are on thing, but people seemed a little annoyed by the idea of criminalizing hoodies. ANIMAL New York took the ban to it’s logical conclusion though, and sent a nice young man out in front of a bodega with one of the signs to act as a coat check of sorts, but for hoodies instead of coats. At the very least, it’s an accommodating gesture. (more…)

11/04/14 2:13pm
stolen bike

They’ll pick it clean, man. via Flickr user Steve Tannock

This might be Taylor Swift’s frozen yogurt-encased city now, but just because we’re now ruled by a Diet Coke in human form doesn’t mean that there isn’t CRIME on our streets. For instance, that brand new bike that you’ve been riding around town and that you’re all proud of owning? Take a tip from this amNewYork story and got a big honking chain for that sucker, because bike theft is on the rise in Taylor Swift’s New York. (more…)

09/15/14 10:19am

Don’t walk around like you own the place…unless you’re Charles Bronson. via Flickr user aliabdallah

So you’ve just invested in your million-dollar Bed-Stuy dream townhouse. Wait, sorry, let’s try that again, in a more realistic way. So you and your 2 roommates just signed a lease for a $3200 2-bedroom in Bed-Stuy or Bushwick, and you’re excited about your cool new neighborhood and its uh…bright future. That is until you read the Post this morning and found out that despite what that friendly real estate agent told you, crime still exists in Bed-Stuy and Bushwick. “But they told me all the crime was gone!” you say to no one in particular in your suddenly unsafe apartment, as you prepare to become just another statistic. (more…)