Conal, Dave, Tim, Kenji and Eric are standing by waiting for your call. Seriously, they’re just sitting there, looking for something to do.

Greetings unsatisfied Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts of Brownstone Brooklyn! Thanks to Amy Sohn’s post in The Awl yesterday, we know you’ve got needs that defy your age, the desire to be young and dumb and free, to chug (boxed) cabernet while bad-mouthing your spouses, to scream from rooftops down at the idle masses living their cookie-cutter lives like some tight-jeans wearing loft dweller. We’ve heard your pleas in your books and blog posts and those longing looks you give us as you show off your recently reduced tits across the bar, and we are here to help!

Stop wasting your time chasing that DILF down the street. You deserve to truly regress, not go for the Key Food-brand almost-good-enough version. That’s why you should instead choose to spend your post-40 dalliance with one of our certified Brokelyn boys! Guaranteed to offer you the grittiest depiction of carefree life in your late 20s and early 30s. Leave the toddler at home, ladies, because this Bushwick DIY venue may have a water slide but it is definitely not family friendly. If you think your life is like Girls now … we’ll have to take your word for it, because none of us can afford HBO. (more…)