06/09/14 4:14pm
Brooklyn DNC

This is our future. Unless we fight. Terrifying Jonah photoshop by Chris Giganti

Despite our howling protests asking him not to, lousy old Mayor de Blasio has decided to put in a bid for Brooklyn to host the DNC. Like we said when we first asked Mayor Tall not to subject us to this, we’re looking at 35,000 clones of Jonah, Veep‘s self-obsessed, buffoonish presidential aide turned candidate hanger-on who’s an all too real caricature of DC, descending on Brooklyn.

That’s 35,000 Jonahs who don’t know how to use MetroCard machines, who step in front of you to steal your cab, who hit on your girlfriend and reek of the desperation that only the young, ambitious and ideologically bereft can reek of. Take heart though: we’ve got a battle plan to keep the DNC from picking Brooklyn, we just need your help to implement it. (more…)

06/05/14 1:43pm
brooklynettes

This could be you next season. Not shown: The Net’s 6-43 record. via Facebook

Give me a B!  Give me an R! Give me a chance to shake it in a skimpy sparkly costume in the Barclays Center?  Check.

In case you miss your old middle school cheerleading days, or if you missed out on the spirit squad all together, your chance to break out your spirit fingers and relive teenage glory has arrived. because The Brooklynettes, the Nets’ dance squad, are holding open auditions this month. (more…)

jonah ryan

We would rather chop off our hands than see Brooklyn overrun with shitbirds like this for even a day, much less a week

In case you didn’t know, there’s a presidential election in 2016. For president of America. And while ordinarily New Yorkers could just exist in our bubble of smug liberal satisfaction at the fact that we’re not, well, the rest of America, Mayor “Red” Bill de Blasio might pierce that bubble. According to the Brooklyn Paper, he’s trying to attract the DNC and all of its horrible functionaries, hangers-on and political hacks to the Barclays Center. If Barack Obama was ever really gonna cancel the 2016 election, seize our guns and declare himself king, this would be a great time to do it. (more…)

04/22/14 1:55pm
brooklyn islanders

Still the best suggested Islanders rebrand we’ve come across. via the New York Post

In between hosting country music concerts, for all of Brooklyn’s many country fans coming from Brooklyn’s 385 country music bars, the Barclays Center hosts sporting events. If you missed our previous inflammatory article discussing it, you might not know that aside from the Nets, the Islanders will be calling Barclays home soon. And since one game watching the Islanders play hockey wasn’t enough to make fans vow to never come back, Barclays will be hosting another pre-season game on September 26. (more…)

atlantic yards

Pictured: Apartments in Atlantic Yards that may or may not ever be built. via A/N Blog

It might be hard to remember, but the Barclays Center wasn’t supposed to be the only gigantic thing built in the Atlantic Yards project. The reason it was supposed to be such a boon to Brooklyn, aside from boosting or huge country music scene, was that Atlantic Yards was supposed to come with oodles of housing. The Times took  a look at what’s up with said housing and found a bunch of delays ahead, along with a shift in how the buildings are actually going to go up. If they ever go up, before World War III ends up starting over some disputed piece of Ukraine and we all have to live in underground shelters due to nuclear winter. (more…)

game of thrones

They’re making things cuter for Brooklyn. Nah, just kidding, there’s still gonna be blood everywhere. via Facebook

We’re all praying for spring, but things are going to stay icy in Brooklyn all the way this month, because on March 20 at 7pm, the Barclays Center is hosting a sneak preview of the Game of Thrones‘ Season 4 premiere, before its April 6 TV premiere at 9pm. Tickets go on sale tomorrow, March 6 for just $15, and the lucky 7,000 people who manage to fight their way through the cold world called the King’s Landing, the internet, will win a viewing of the anticipated new episode on a stadium sized screen, with accompanying costume and prop displays from the traveling exhibition, photo ops on the Iron Throne, and more. (more…)

02/14/14 1:51pm
Man, she did not like that valentine.

Man, she did not like that valentine.

As we learned yesterday, relationships crash and burn more often than they work out. If you’re currently unsatisfied and thinking of making a change in your life, you should at least be able to enjoy yourself after ending it with your formerly loved one. Or at least make it memorable for the both of you. And since we’re always here to serve, we’ve rounded up some of the best places for you to end your relationship. Happy Valentine’s Day! (more…)

01/06/14 11:16am
brook lopez

Brook Lopez volunteering to trim some beards while he’s on the disabled list

We’ll give Nets owner and firearms aficionado Mikhail Prokhorov credit where it’s due: with his expensive team floundering but still inexplicably in contention, the championship-hungry owner has made a big addition…to the Barclays Center. Because basketball just isn’t enough to get people in the door, the Barclays Center is adding a barbershop run by GQ (the magazine) and Fellow Barber that will be open during events at The House Shawn Carter Built. Will it be expensive? Of course it will, but do you have any ideas to help the Nets pay the luxury tax? (more…)

09/26/13 11:32am
Nets' owner Mikhail Prokohorov misses out on another great opportunity to use his machine gun

Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokohorov misses out on another great opportunity to use his machine gun

A tie, Navy football coach Eddie Erdelatz once said, is like kissing your sister. It’s a manly thing to say, and also an American thing to say. Americans love two things above all: winning, and hating people who encourage sharing. So imagine our surprise when we learned that rich megalomaniacs James Dolan and Mikhail Prokohorov put their basketball differences aside and agreed to share the 2015 NBA All-Star Game. We’re sorry, we thought this was Brooklyn, where we go hard? (more…)

08/20/13 8:00am
Money for nothin'. Poster by Meghan Doherty

Money for nothin’. Poster by Meghan Doherty

The MTV Video Music Awards are in Brooklyn for the first time this weekend, and this makes us laugh, mainly while thinking of the Kim Kardashians and their faux-celebrity teevee ilk will walking down a street largely known these days as a very public restroom. MTV hasn’t been cool in ages, and the network holding its seminal event in the capital of cool surely will include some cloying attempt at honoring BK’s music history (leave Adam Yauch alone!).

You could take out some of your aggression by launching water balloons full of mayonnaise off your roof with dreams of soaking Chris Brown; OR you could come party with us as we celebrate the golden age of MTV, with ACTUAL VIDEOS! We’re hosting a big, FREE party called I Wanted My MTV down the road at Last Exit on Sunday, featuring lots of relics of MTV’s glory days. Details below: (more…)