Switchel is over: Are you cool enough to drink these hot new old tyme drinks?

swtichel

The Waco Kid didn’t drink switchel. He drank whozzle

In case you hadn’t heard, the hot new drink in Bushwick that all the cool kids are drinking is switchel, a cocktail made of apple cider vinegar, ginger, water and maple syrup. Since farmers and frontiersmen used to drink it, it has a lot of old timey cachet for the kinds of people who love fetishizing the simple farm life but inexplicably live in a major metropolis. Well, it used to be cool and have that old timey cachet, but now that it’s been reported on, switchel is totally over. What’s the new drink that Bushwick will be chugging? We looked around in a dusty old file for old forgotten drink recipes, and we found all of these.

Whozle: Tomato juice, shredded copy of “Catcher In The Rye”, and peppermint beard oil

The 19th Amendment: The sweat of our sisters, squeezed with a twist of lemon

Eb-Old Fashioned: Ebola fluids, muddled with a cherry and served in isolation

The Oklahoma Coma: Castor oil and gunpowder with a tumbleweed sprig

The Antietam : Milk, orange juice, grenadine

The Golden Spike: Moonshine, gold flakes, coal dust

The Cotton Gin: Gin, cotton

The Bootstrap: Whiskey, salt water, served in a leather cup

The Old Saloon Crooner: Rye whiskey and wood shavings, and you sing into your glass before every sip. Best served on the rocks

(Literally a howl): Gin, cactus needles, cranberry juice and a coyote’s tooth. Served in its pelt cupped in your hands.

The Dadgum It: Rhubarb, tobacco spit and molasses

The Confederate Coin: Moonshine, muddled licorice root and a penny

White Lipsum: Whale oil, peroxide and peppermint

The Boxcar: Chocolate milk, powdered rust, a vagabond’s sweat and a cinnamon stick

Siren’s Song: Soda water, a barnacle, pickled squid and memories of the sea

The Dust Bowl: Captured dust from prairie winds, water from the well and a drop of cow’s milk. Best served in a wide-mouthed bowl with lots of straws!

The Bandwagon: Kombucha

The Pony Express: Fermented horse urine, served in a tiny bottle

The Life Expectancy: A drink that’s 40 percent the size of today’s drinks

A Huge Trough Full of Still Water: Garnished with a sprig of parsley

Lettuce Now Braise Famous Mint: Like a bloody mary, but with mint and 6,000 words describing a knot of wood in a farmhouse

Eggclampsia: Like an egg cream, but it causes artisanal seizures

The Reconstruction: Bitters and a sprinkling of georgia ash, served in a glass that gets slapped out of your hand before you’re finished drinking it

Dead Man’s Bluff: Melted snow, served in a hollowed-out cactus

The Trend Piece: Rectum-fermented yeast, homemade beef jerky and the shreds of a New York Times article about Brooklyn referencing Girls

The Parched Prospector: Soda water, gold flakes and mint, always held just out of your reach

The Mutton Chop: Pureed sheep, comes with Etsy sweater of wool from same sheep

Gout guarantee: Liquid from a can of sardines (save one for garnish), whipped foies gras, and two jiggers of mead. Don a medieval cloak while imbibing.

The Corn Meal: Corn juice hand squeezed from kernels (ripe, freshly shucked) served in a hollowed-out cob with sun-dried hat sweat to salt the rim.

Special thanks to Team Brokelyn’s mixology experts: Nick Cardinale, Dan Cerruti, David Colon, Sam Corbin, Tim Donnelly, Camille Lawhead, Kenji Magrann-Wells, Kate Mooney, Maddie Owens, Faye Penn, Dave Rosado, Eric Silver and Cat Wolinski