‘Stocks are the next Brooklyn!’ proclaim very odd rich people

tk. via Flickr user Shawn Hoke

Buy! Or is sell? via Flickr user Shawn Hoke

Oh Lord what is even going on here with this?

[S]tocks may now be a little too trendy, just like the New York City borough that’s famous for a certain well-known bridge, Coney Island and for being the original home of the Dodgers.

“Stocks and Brooklyn real estate used to be cheap and unpopular; not anymore,” the Jefferies analysts wrote.

It used to be you couldn’t pay people to visit stocks. Now it’s all Eurotrash in all-black sweatsuits asking where the discotheque is.

They conclude that value stocks could be as up and coming as Brooklyn neighborhoods like Bushwick, Bed-Stuy and Crown Heights.

Stocks used to be blue collar strongholds where you could raise a family, even if outsiders thought they were “sketchy.” Now stocks are full of achingly attractive baristas who will mirthlessly take your order before handing you a $6 iced coffee and expecting a $2 tip. 

So what should investors do? Find the proverbial next Brooklyn.

That girl you dated when you first got to stocks? Yeah, she’s done with stocks. She’s thinking that it’s better to go upstate or maybe somewhere out west. Somewhere a little more chill. Everything’s just too much in stocks now, you know?

Just remember, Brooklyn didn’t magically turn into a real estate hotspot overnight. These stocks probably won’t, either.

She heard that bonds or savings or Detroit was pretty cool, but is also hearing that they’re already kind of gentrified. Maybe there’s just no getting it back? It’s just…over.