So now that people are over giant food companies saying their crap food made in a lab is “artisan,” the companies need to figure out a way to trick the public into thinking the mass-market crap they’re shoveling in their mouths is made with care and not reheated flash-frozen garbage. One trick? Learning from the genius who slapped “Brooklyn” on some rocks and sold them, Sbarro has decided to give themselves a Brooklyn rebranding. Finally, something that tries to appropriate Brooklyn and looks worse than the Brooklyn Athletic Club.
From the pages of the Columbus Business First, we learn that Sbarro is hoping to elevate themselves from “that chain pizza that isn’t Pizza Hut” by opening new stores in central Ohio called “Sbarro Brooklyn Fresh.” Does it mean a change in ingredients? Possibly making pizzas in a way that doesn’t cause people to experience joy when they eat them? No. They just want you feel the Brooklyn:
“It won’t stray from the existing Sbarro model into fast-casual, as the Pizza Cucinova brand does, but it will be a move to raise the perception of the brand.”
And yes, technically Sbarro does have a claim on Brooklyn, since before it was a mediocre chain, it was a deli and pizza place in Bensonhurst. But that was also a long time ago, well before Sbarro became synonymous with “decent at best.” And again, the rebranding won’t actually involve making the pizza any better, it’s just there to tell people in Columbus that this is exactly how they do it in Brooklyn. Which when you think about it, should thrill the “Go back to Ohio” crowd, because if people from Columbus think the pizza is just as sad here as it is there, why would they come live in Brooklyn?