Tomorrow, the almost-spooky date of Friday the 14th, is the last date to register to vote in New York state for the presidential election on Nov. 8. Odds are you’re a smart, civic-minded New Yorker who has long been registered, and good for you! But hey, everyone gets busy, maybe you let it slip your mind by now, maybe you didn’t know how to do it and at this point were afraid to ask. It’s ok! Registering to vote is easy: Google even made a shortcut for you showing you the ways to do it online, in person or through the mail.
As long as you register by Friday, all is forgiven. But you might face some social stigma from your fellow Brooklynites for having waited so long, so just in case you need more backup, we have created a convenient list of excuses for why you haven’t registered to vote yet. Use them with more discretion than the current Republican candidate has ever shown around women.
20 reasons you haven’t registered to vote yet
-Presently being sexually harassed by Donald Trump.
-Not quite sure how but fairly confident it has something to do with L train delays.
-Deep distrust of any and all mail.
-Evading taxes and can’t afford to put your name on any government documentation.
-In the middle of a lengthy process to change your legal name from Ivanka to Susan.
-Lack of voter registration app.
-Dead on the inside and/or possibly on the outside.
-Still holding out for Deez Nuts.
-Planning to ride out the next four years in Norway anyway.
-Hard to find time in between bemoaning state of country and wondering what to do about it.
-No bar at polling places.
-Grandpa in Ohio recently passed away so no racists left in family whose vote to offset.
-Constantly getting voter registration hand whacked by cars driving in the bike lane.
-Still waiting in line to get served drinks by Bill Murray in Greenpoint.
-Still trying to get on the phone with Jill Stein to ask if she actually wants to be president.
-Unsure of candidates’ stances on rainbow bagels.
-Forgot to sew arm holes into Ken Bone Halloween costume.
-Still smarting from fake Brooklyn Pog Store to be sure election isn’t elaborate prank.
-Live in a world of white privilege where four years of race-baiting politics that whip up populist anti-immigrant, anti-muslim and anti-women sentiment won’t really affect you that much.
-Can’t commit to anything past this evening.
With democratic joke help from Sam Corbin.