Spoiler alert: The world will come to an end on January 20, 2017. The Mayans may not have predicted this one, but considering we’re just one tweet away from nuclear incineration and the guy with his hand on the keyboard has more enemies than Drake would know what to do with, the end was probably coming soon anyway.
But will it come to NYC, you ask? You bet. Our reputation as a tolerant, progressive-minded city exempt from the kind of hate Trump’s rhetoric incites has long since been sullied, and NYC’s friendly neighborhood GOP is still working from the inside to threaten marginalized groups in our community. Add a stalled cleanup of the Gowanus Canal and funding rollbacks on affordable housing to the pile of federal concerns for health care and women’s rights, and you’ve sure as shit got a local apocalypse. Goodbye, cruel world.
He’s a thought: Before we Brooklynites bid the world adieu, each of us ought to seize the opportunity to do something we never had the guts to do in the borough. You know what we’re talking about— calling bullshit on a gentrifying business, riding the Cyclone with slinkies attached to your chest, taking a big ol’ shit in front of a Starbucks… there any number of Brooklyn fantasies you’ve never dared to play out. Until now.
We’ll help you get started with our own Brokelyn Staff bucket list, and then you can chime in with what you’re planning before the world ends in the comments. Here’s what we’d like to do:
– Actually try to have a conversation with the “Are you Jewish?” guys in Williamsburg
– Finally live out my dreams of subway tunnel graffiti
– Attend an open house at one of the Dyker Heights Franken-mansions
– Do a stand-up comedy version of “Showtime!” on the L train
– Push someone in the Gowanus (don’t want to go in there myself, but what a prank!)
– Drunk dine-and-dash a truly epic hot food bar spread at the Williamsburg Whole Foods
– Throw a debaucherous birthday bash at the Wythe Hotel, reserving rooms for all my friends so we can order hungover room service breakfast in the morning
– Ride a bike over the Brooklyn Bridge aiming for everyone who stands in the bike lane to get the perfect picture
– Take a big ol’ shit in front of a Starbucks, the Williamsburg one, right in front of the door
– Orchestrate a surprise performance of Les Mis’ “Master of the House” at Radegast, just to stir shit up with the bros
– Rager party in the old subway tunnel by the Court Street Trader Joe’s (might be a good place to wait out a nuclear fallout, too)
– Enlist The Witches of Bushwick to perform public voodoo on a Trump doll, just in case that works
– Cash just one check at one of the many check cashing places on Fourth Avenue
– Busk on the southside of the Metropolitan G platform doing Frank Zappa’s entire discography (and like the Titanic band, doing this until the world actually does come to an end)
– Spray paint FUCK THE PATRIARCHY on all the subway ads for breast enhancements
– Actually sit so long at a coffee shop/bar like BUDIN or 61 Local that I can transition from coffee to beer drinking in one fell swoop
– Visit all 15 bars left in my Queens Beer Book, buy food and an extra beer at every single place where possible, and tip my bartenders 100 percent.
– Drunken swim in the East River, see where it takes me
– Learn to swallow at least one sword from the Coney Island freaks
– Bud Ice funneling contest on the Staten Island ferry
– Have sex in Greenwood cemetery against any of the FUCHS tombstones.
Thanks to Brokelyn’s nigh-saying team of alarmists: Crystal Arnette, Eric Silver, Maddy Owens, Cat Wolinski, Tim Donnelly and Sam Corbin.