Hey everybody! We here in Brokelyn have been feeling pretty mature as of late, and feel that it’s time to look into getting an actual, what do you call those? Oh right, a career. Turns out that Brooklyn is tossing jobs all over the place these days, and we’ve gathered up a few of the best just for you. Remember, if you do end up getting one of these jobs, you’ve gotta pay Brokelyn $15 a month for the rest of your life. Okay fine, $5. A swipe with your Metrocard? Fine, whatever.
The Brooklyn Museum is looking to hire an Assistant Graphic Designer to make up those giant banners they hang to let you know about what kind of crazy stuff is happening inside this week. That’s right, you’ll get to work every day next to priceless art and artifacts that you definitely won’t steal and replace with convincing counterfeits. Of course, you will be designing signs that will hang next to some of the best art in the world, so no pressure, right?
Would you like to be in charge of a magical candyland filled with pies and milkshakes and ice cream? Are you even a little bit responsible? I have a hard time believing you said “Yes” to both of those, but if you in fact did, then good news! Momofuku Milk Bar is looking for a Retail Bakery FOH Manager to run their streamlined pie-delivery system all over New York City. So, if you think you can manage dealing with screaming loonies coming off of legendary sugar binges all while sipping a frosty White Russian milkshake, this is the job for you.
If you consider yourself a wizard of all things Photoshop and generally love this amazing and and sometimes expensive city we all populate, then you sound like exactly the kind of person that Time Out New York is looking for! They’re hiring for a Deputy Photo Editor to help organize their photo shoots and Photoshop out that cab that’s about to splash that happy laughing couple selling designer clothes.
The Associated Press is now officially on their search to hire someone to send to Russia to cover the 2018 World Cup, which I think will easily be the most insane moment of your life, so I highly encourage anyone and everyone to apply, to the point where they just randomly pick someone and the plot to my screenplay becomes real life. Say hi to Putin for me!
Do you make your own soap? That’s weird. Stop doing that…for free, that is! This boutique Red Hook soap/furniture/lighting fixtures factory is looking to hire on their own professional soap-maker, so if you’re way into that process, congratulations, and if you’re not, it doesn’t matter because they’re willing to teach you! As the twee movement rolls forth and soon you will have to make every single thing in your house by hand less than five miles from where it’s used, those who know how to make soap will be as Gods.
If you’re looking to break into the flashy world of the written word and all of the antisocial introverts that create it, then here’s your big chance! Basic Books is looking for a publicity assistant to help them plan the publicity tours of their many famous authors. The job would also entitle writing press material, which would than be sent to hundreds of literary critics and reporters who judge books all day long, so, again, no pressure.
So, you like graphic design, Photoshop, and Illustrator, and the last party you went to had a dress code of “Superfly” and you’re looking for a job? Fantastic, because Entree Lifestyle is looking to hire on a Graphic Designer to, I guess, make their creepy models look more monochrome and unisex. If you’re good with computers and into high fashion, however, you should be up to the task.
Finally, I’m not 100% sure if I endorse this last job, but Scott Rudin is looking to hire on an assistant with previous experience assisting in the entertainment world. On one hand, he is one of the few people alive who has successfully EGOT-ed, so you could learn how to be the next person to get that done, on the other, he asks for someone “with a thick skin”. Sooooo, possibly a Devil Wears Prada situation? Those Tonys sure are shiny, though.