Now Hiring in BK: Universal Music, Writopia Lab, more!

Watch out, I heard this lunatic put the last Account Coordinator in the hospital. Via Facebook

Watch out, I heard this lunatic put the last Account Coordinator in the hospital. Via Facebook

Hello Brooklynites, and sorry. I’m sorry that we live in such dangerous times, with rabid real-estate brokers pawing at our neighborhoods, a militarized police force clashing with the government, and, of course, bears. Now, there are many things you should be worrying about, but getting a job shouldn’t be one of them. I can attest first-hand that there are still jobs-a-plenty floating around New York City, and I can say this with the utmost authority since I have spent my week combing through job listing after job listing to find you some of the best possible chances at employment on the market. So, worry not Brooklyn, because your future career starts today! That is, if you’re not eaten by bears on the way to the interview.

Firstly, The Dodo, the internet’s leading site for all cute-animal-based media, is looking for a Trends & Entertainment Writer! That’s it. It’s a job writing about adorable kittens and puppies, and you wouldn’t even have to cover most of the serious (i.e. depressing) animal news, so it’s just cute kittens all day. If you need more information about this job, I don’t know what I can do for you. Kittens. The job requirements beyond a love of animals and a voice to write with are pretty vague, so if you’ve got a talent for describing why the corgi wearing a tie thinks he’s people and some web-savvy, be sure to send in a resume.

How many times do you run into Kanye West during your day? None? Well, if you’d like that number to be significantly higher, check out this job listing at Universal Music Group for a new National Account Coordinator. The job involves working with Universal’s team set up specifically to conquer YouTube, and involves wearing a fair amount of hats, including running social media and corralling celebrities when they’re in town. While the job does involve a ton of technical knowledge and a lot of organization, the listing doesn’t actually put very many requirements down for applicants, so it looks like they’re taking all comers; remember, this could be your last chance to get close to Taylor Swift and tell her her new music video is too feminist/not feminist enough/stare silently in awe at her.

Next up: Do you love to write? (I do!) Do you love helping people? (Eh.) Can you handle people judging your writing? (No, go into the comments section and say nice things about me.) If you said yes to all three of these requirements, then you are exactly the kind of person Writopia Labs is looking for! They are a non-profit organization that runs creative writing workshops for kids and teens, and they’re currently hunting for a new Registration Coordinator to help them keep track of all of these tiny future novelists. The job obviously requires a lot of organizational skills and office experience, but what they focus mainly on in the ad is that YOUR WRITING MUST BE ON FLEEK. The newsletters/emails you put together will be going out to board members and parents and the like, so if your writing is sloppy, maybe not the best fit for working here. Also, probably don’t use the word “fleek.”

Hey, are you looking to get into the wine business? No, I don’t mean pounding a bottle of Yellowtail, jesus, it’s still early! Anyways, Angel’s Share Wines is looking for a Wine Sales Representative to hawk their booze all over this fine city. Yes, I imagine talking wine all day over a few (dozen) glasses would be tiring, and of course the holiday office parties would all be boring and not-at-all champagne-covered, but someone’s got to do this miserable job. The listing actually says that no previous experience is required, though sales skills are always welcome, and that the only thing necessary is a strong character, which I’m sure is code for “must be able to put back 12 glasses of red and not puke”.

This next ad is for a Junior Agent at a boutique book publishing agency, presumably because they couldn’t simply open a window and angrily yell “NERD!” and hire whoever turned around and cowered in fear. The job also involves being a literary assistant to the CEO, while that does mean some administrative skills are required, the ad promises to quickly craft you into a star Literary Agent, or Twitter agent, or whatever the written word has devolved to by then, so this would be an excellent opportunity for someone looking to bust into the hustle and bustle of the publishing game.

Next up, Gilt looking for someone who likes to buy things, which is good for them, because statistically everyone has experience with that. If you’d like to go from amateur buyer-of-things to professional, then check out this ad looking for a Merchandising Assistant to help Gilt organize all of its dynamic luxury crap. The job is a great way to break into the fieldof “being paid to buy cool stuff”, so if you think you’ve got an eye for the next big thing and and enough math skills to know exactly when the limit on your credit card has been reached, then you’re the person these guys are looking for.

Finally, I honestly can’t tell whether to put this into the “joke job” category, or if someone would legitimately draw pleasure from this, so you tell me: Momofuku Ko is looking for a Professional Polisher. That’s the whole job, just polishing every single glass in the place ’til it shines like their Michelin Stars. Hilarious attempt at making you do more dishes? Wet dream to a certain kind of OCD? You be the judge.

Of course, you should be applying to none of these jobs and everyone in New York should be sending in their resumes here instead. He needs your help, Gotham.