Now Hiring in BK: New York Times, The Brooklyn Nets and more!

brooklyn nets

Can you sell people on ponying up to see Deron Williams’ busted ankles? The Nets have a job for you. via Facebook

Hey, you know what? You’re a pretty awesome person. Capable, focused, nice haircut, beloved by pets and senior citizens alike, you’ve got it all. So, the question is, why are you still working at that job that you hate so much? Well, the answer is because you haven’t read this awesome list of kick-ass, up-for-grabs jobs that we’ve scoured the Internet to compile. Let’s remedy that, shall we?

 

Do you think you know the exact shade that can make The Gray Lady’s eyes really pop? T, the New York Times’ Style magazine, is looking for an Assistant Features Editor to help them cover exactly what is the new black. The job description sounds like what we in the know call “Big League,” with the Associate Editor contributing stories and managing seasoned contributors, all while shaping the future of the New York runway. Apparently some interest in the business and political world will give you a leg up, but the ad stresses that the editor will need to be cultured above all else. So, it would definitely help if people you’ve run into at cocktail parties tell other people “Don’t invite him, he makes everyone else feel dumb.”

Do you love watching the Nets play? Can you convince other people to love it as much as you do? If so, then the recently-opened position of Account Executive might be for you. The job, through the description, seems to involve selling people ticket packages for the house that Hova built, and then generally rubbing elbows with all of the celebrities and athletes that just kind of hang around the building. The team is only looking for a Bachelor’s degree and a year or two’s worth of experience in sales, so pretty much anyone with a Nets jersey is in the running. Keep in mind that selling people on seeing the oft-injured Brook Lopez is risky proposition.

 

If you have a specific corner in your breakfast nook devoted specifically to your shrine to Martha Stewart, well then prepare for some good news: UnCommon Goods is looking for a copywriter to describe all of their delightfully twee pillows, picture frames, scarves, candles and various items repurposed into other items. It seems to be a bull market for copywriters, too, since they’re hiring for a senior-, normal, and junior-copywriter. If you’ve ever wanted to bust into the “describing how adorable those earrings are” market, or if you’ve got some serious copywriting skills that you’re dying to use, this would definitely be the place to apply.

If you’ve been doing your duty as a member of the damnable Millennial generation, then you know all about Photoshop and computers, and you are also broke. Use one to fix the other by working for none other than the Brooklyn Botanical Garden! That’s right, your workplace could be the (arguably) prettiest and (definitely) best-smelling park in Brooklyn. They are looking for a graphics wiz to design all of their brochures, newsletters, and catalogs, and to make sure everything gets printed without incident. They’re looking for somebody with Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign experience, as well as basic HTML if you’ve got it, which might sound stressful, but remember stopping to smell the roses is company policy here.

Hey, are you fucking crazy? If you answered “yes”, or even “meh” with a little hand-wobbling, then you might be cut out for the chaotic world of Bike Couriering. Select Express & Logistics is offering what sounds like mega bucks in exchange to let every cabbie in New York try to run you over while you curse at them at high speeds. If you are a gearhead with a fixation on all things Joseph Gordon-Levitt though, feel free to take on that need for speed. The job includes lots of uh, “bonuses” including rush jobs, distance jobs and bad weather, but they throw in a smart phone, uniform, bike bag and helmet when you start (you bring your own bike, but if you don’t even own one, this might not be the job for you anyways). Remember, if you go in person to apply, don’t take a cab.

Would you describe yourself as a social person? Like, really social? To the point where you should be getting paid solely on your social skills alone? Well, then welcome to the world of Branding and Design! A firm in Brooklyn is looking for a Project Manager to wear many hats while representing their many brands, including restaurants, hotels, wine labels, and some fashion lines, so the hats will presumably be very tasteful. You’ll need to set up meetings, draft proposals, and deal with clients, as well as maintaining the website and some administrative stuff. They are looking for someone with an acute knowledge of everything related to contemporary culture, so who knows? Maybe if you blow off the administrative stuff to go to an art gallery, you’ll get a raise?

How would you like to work for Fashion Mogul and Welterweight champion of the world [No. Just…no – edOscar de la Renta as a merchandising assistant? The hyperfamous designer is in need of someone to help with photo shoots, sketch and linesheet maintenance, data entry, and more to keep the world’s most beautiful brides from freaking out and throwing cake everywhere. The position doesn’t require all that much, but they would prefer a degree in Merchandising, and I’m guessing a love of fashion wouldn’t hurt your chances of getting in. When you get called in for an interview though, no pantsuits.