We have some bad news and we’re going to just break it to you straight: you’re going to die someday. Unless science advances to incredible new heights sometime in the near future, allowing us all to live forever, you’re going to have to take the time to make arrangements for when you finally leave this mortal coil. And hell, even with the science, we’ll find a way to kill ourselves anyhow when we eventually legalize knife fighting out of existential boredom.
So, now that we’re all in a good mood, let’s talk about how much it costs to be buried in Brooklyn and see if we can find you an affordable option, so you can achieve the dream of staying in Brooklyn for all time. After all, it’s that or some friends throw you into the Gowanus for the low, low cost of leaving them all your stuff.
The historic Green-Wood Cemetery, home to movie nights, masquerade parties, and creepy-ass clowns, will likely be the first choice for many, but it should also probably come as no surprise that it’ll cost you a pretty penny to shack up with Basquiat, Charles Ebbets, and no fewer than three Roosevelts. According to their website, single gravesites – which will fit up to three people – will run you between $12,000 and $14,000, with a foundation cost added onto that of $695-$819. So if you’re going to get a couple of people to split the cost with you, make sure you really like them, since you’ll be roommates for a long, long time. If you’d rather get cozy above ground and indoors, giving you a fighting chance of breaking out if this ever happens to you, community mausoleums will run you between $20,000-$34,500 for a single entombment, so maybe you’ll have to tap into that secret offshore bank account for one of those. But hey, if you ask us, you’re better off using one of the outdoor graves anyhow. Once the zombie apocalypse begins in earnest and you slowly climb out of your heretofore presumed eternal resting place, you can enjoy a lovely view of Manhattan from what’s actually the highest point in Brooklyn before surveying the land below for survivors/dinner. Check out Green-Wood’s website for full pricing information and give them a call for all your burial needs. That is, if you’re truly baller.
Straddling the Brooklyn-Queens border, this cemetery is home to over half a million people, so you’ll never have to feel alone. Interment and service charges for a single adult will run you $1,748, while single grave areas will cost a relatively reasonable $5,400, while still affording you the ability to technically (and figuratively because again, dead) say that you’re in Kings County. If being that far out makes you feel isolated, just go and haunt that creepy abandoned police station in Sunset Park and once again feel like a Brooklynite, Ghost You. Full pricing information can be found on their website, so if you like what you see there, give them a call and start digging in your couch for some loose change.
The first non-sectarian cemetery corporation organized in Brooklyn and Queens, Cypress Hills Cemetery has prices that will very largely depend on where you’re interested in being buried. Either way, you can expect to pay at least $3,950 (up to $5,850) to be a resident of a cemetery beset with a little bit of drama of its own among its higher ups, thanks to poor management and board politics. It’s always politics. As Brooklyn becomes less and less affordable for the other 99%, we’d say this is the best chance at a sweet deal. Think of this place as the reasonably-priced underground apartment that won’t charge you first, last and a deposit when you move in for eternity. E-mail them via their contact page for full pricing info.
Be judged for all eternity, you filthy sinner, at this Catholic cemetery in East Flatbush. Notable burials here include Gil Hodges and no less than two organized crime figures, which is fun! And also, you won’t be wanting for interesting conversation partners in the afterlife. Just one problem: we were told over the phone that they don’t actually have any available underground plots. This place is so hot with so many people looking for the Lord’s forgiveness, all they’ve got is urn niches. Cremation isn’t the Catholic Church’s top choice, as they seem to stress a preference for those who practice to be buried, but Holy Cross does offer the space for it and besides, YODO. Just think of it as the studio apartment of the afterlife. They told us over the phone that the niches will run you anywhere from $950-1750, which sounds like a deal until you consider the opening of the niche and the inscription. Those add another $940 if you do it anytime before 2:30pm, Monday through Friday. Still, this is easily the cheapest option, and a bonus for anybody who doesn’t feel like hanging out with earthworms anyway.
People should probably know you’re dead, so how much for a death announcement in the paper?
So now that you’ve decided on your new eternal home, it’s time to make sure you get the word out when you peace on out for all eternity. You can have Facebook or Google take care of that for you for free, but if you find that extremely creepy, you can give one of the local papers a call. Besides, if you go this route, you’ll get the opportunity to really talk yourself up. At the Brooklyn Paper, you’re looking at $20 for a quick, 20-25 word announcement, $120 for a 2″ x 3″ space, or $180 for a 2″ x 4″ space if you’d like to include a dashing photo. If you’d like the Brooklyn Spectator to make this final announcement for you instead, it’ll set you back roughly $350 for a 1/4 of a page, or a bit less if you’d rather tell everyone how awesome you were in life in fewer words. In both instances, call up their classified departments, and they’ll walk you through the whole thing and give you exact pricing info once you submit your announcement.
Getting buried in Brooklyn isn’t cheap, but that’s okay. Chances are you’re overpaying for your apartment and half your meals anyhow, so what’s another outsized expense? Get to saving. That is, if you’d like to be in Brooklyn forever, which really, is what we all want in the end.
Follow Dave for more hauntings at @DaveRosado