Life exists in darkest timeline: Coney Island gets enormous Subway Cafe

Subway: You can do better. via Lisa Hanawalt

Subway: You can do better. via Lisa Hanawalt

Chains overrunning Coney Island is becoming old news, what with all those cool, hip places like Grizzlebees Applebees and Official Nets NBA store moving in. Still, there things that happen sometimes that reveal to you that you’re actually living the darkest possible timeline you could live in. In today’s news that drives that thought home, Coney Island is not only getting a new Subway on Surf Avenue, but it’s going to be a gigantic Subway Cafe. Finally, a safe space for Bill O’Reilly.

Amusing the Zillion has the unfortunate scoop on Subway replacing Surf Avenue’s Lago Furniture. You might be asking yourself two questions now. “Doesn’t Coney Island already have a subway there?” and “Isn’t that an awfully big place for just a Subway?” To answer your first questions, yes, Coney already has one. And yes, Lago Furniture is an enormous space for a Subway, which is why the 1700 square foot space isn’t just getting a normal Subway, it’s getting a Subway Cafe.

A Subway Cafe is like a regular depressing Subway except dressed up with a “Tuscan-style interior” meant to make you want to hang out and work your screenplay in there. In addition to Subway’s regular, unsatisfying and vaguely food-like sandwiches, Subway Cafes also serve pastries and coffee. So if you were really curious if you could find a croissant that was mostly air, just head on down to the Subway Cafe when it opens.

In the meantime, inspired by Lisa Hanwalt’s scribbles above, why don’t we think of a fresh new slogan for the “sandwich” chain, so they can have something new and exciting just like Brooklyn is. A couple we had in mind were:

  • Subway: You Can Do Better
  • Subway: Oh, You’re Better Than This Now?
  • Subway: It Sounds Healthy?

(Subway napkin art courtesy Lisa Hanawalt)

14 Comment

  • Coney Island, home to the historic annual Food Option Parade.

  • Subway: You won’t feel fat.

  • Subway: We mean “Sandwich Artist” the same way people say Hitler was a painter.

  • Subway: Our hot dogs are flat and round!

  • Subway Cafe: Because you’ll most likely die before you see the real Tuscany.

  • Subway: Where soggy is a flavor.

  • Subway: Everyone knows you didn’t order the low-cal option.

  • Subway: What’s a “Gluten”?

  • If it was not for Subways 4 and 5 dollar sandwiches I, and many other New Yorkers, would have not eaten this month. If the young and hip want to keep places like Subway out of their neighborhoods they should start offering affordable options and chill the fuck out with Roberats & Hana style prices.

    • Subway: Face It, We Might Be Your Only Option

      (sorry about your financial state, but there are plenty of places where you can eat for $5 or less that are not Subways. Brokelyn sometimes writes articles about just such places)

      • I work on the Upper East Side. I dare you to find anything substantial to eat for under $5. Even halal carts are at least $7.

        • 1. Your original comment was about how expensive Brooklyn eateries are, compared to Subway. Changing the parameters pretty much negates your argument, doesn’t it? Why not dare me to find something that’s cheap for you to eat in London?
          2. Challenge accepted. Let’s ignore for a second the fact that an option is always to buy groceries for the week and make your own lunch (you can even make a sub with more than three slices of cheese!) at much less than $5 per day. How about this place:

  • Not to mention most Subways are franchises run by immigrants who are just trying to make a place for themselves in our society/ economy.

  • I have to agree with Will. I get it that everyone wants everything in NYC to be unique and awesome, but jeez, don’t you guys have somewhere better to aim your hatred at than Subway? Say what you will about quality, but you can get an awful lot of vegetables there for not very much money, which is actually something that could do a lot of good in neighborhoods where there aren’t a ton of other options.

    When did Brokleyn turn into a such a mean place?