How to keep the DNC from coming to Brooklyn

Brooklyn DNC

This is our future. Unless we fight. Terrifying Jonah photoshop by Chris Giganti

Despite our howling protests asking him not to, lousy old Mayor de Blasio has decided to put in a bid for Brooklyn to host the DNC. Like we said when we first asked Mayor Tall not to subject us to this, we’re looking at 35,000 clones of Jonah, Veep‘s self-obsessed, buffoonish presidential aide turned candidate hanger-on who’s an all too real caricature of DC, descending on Brooklyn.

That’s 35,000 Jonahs who don’t know how to use MetroCard machines, who step in front of you to steal your cab, who hit on your girlfriend and reek of the desperation that only the young, ambitious and ideologically bereft can reek of. Take heart though: we’ve got a battle plan to keep the DNC from picking Brooklyn, we just need your help to implement it.

-Have everyone change their voter registration to Republican, trick Democrats into thinking we’ve all gone Hipster Republican

-Explain to big-money donors that the Gowanus Yacht Club is not, in fact, a yacht club

-Pass emergency law replacing all limos with dollar vans

-Tell Bill Clinton the naked Roberta’s waitress doesn’t work there anymore

-Inform Democratic officials that our war against bedbugs isn’t over, no matter what they’ve heard otherwise

-Remind selection committee that Brooklyn, however, “is totally over

-DNC scouting committee limited to exclusively traveling around city on stinky bum train

-Let them know about the great daycare options near the Barclays Center

-Call DNC’s bluff on environmental stewardship by serving them a three-eyed fish from the Gowanus Canal for dinner when they visit

-Remind older, white selection committee delegates that we no longer stop-and-frisk

-Tell DNC officials that Brooklyn’s shortage of hotel rooms means that they’ll need to find … creative lodging

-Invite Joe Biden to host next month’s Punderdome; after he unleashes a gaffe fest, watch Dems try to distance themselves from him so far that they never come back to Brooklyn

-Alert selection committee to controversial new “babies in convention halls” standard advocated by Park Slope parents

-Convince more gullible members of the selection committee that The Warriors was a documentary filmed just two years ago

-Inform DC Democrats our bars don’t close at 1:30 like they do in DC and you don’t actually have to exclusively talk about politics while drinking; causing them to realize everyone would go wild on booze like American University freshmen

-Threaten a Broad City infiltration of the convention to protest as “Code Pink Dick”

-Create a Hack Writer Tax for every “fedora,” “farm to table” or “mustache” joke in articles about Brooklyn that will scare off the DC press corps.

-The nuclear option: Threaten to introduce Maureen Dowd to molly the first night of the convention and watch her scare everyone off by being “that girl” at the club

Patriotic action plan courtesy of David Colon, Tim Donnelly and Faye Penn

2 Comment

  • Why not give real good reasons why this shouldn’t happen? I’m curious to hear them. I know this was supposed to be clever but I clicked on it to read more than just a cliche “ughhhhh leave me alone. Stop coming to brooklyn ughhhhh” article. perhaps all of those “Jonah’s” may help boost sales for small brooklyn businesses (that Brokelyn promotes occasionally) in the area to help bring in a bit more cash and get more exposure to help them pay for their skyrocketing rents.

    Will it be annoying to have the traffic and chaos? Sure but this is a city. Almost everything is annoying at times.

    I get the article but it rubbed me the wrong way.

    • Well, there’s the massive security apparatus that will plop right down on a major thoroughfare in Brooklyn for something like a week, if not more. That’s the biggest thing, for me anyway. The hotel shortage means that most of the people coming will stay in Manhattan, just because of logistics. As for as small business boosts, I have my doubts DNC convention attendees will show up and visit quirky, one-of-a-kind shops when there are so many chains to be found. Hell, that’s if those skyrocketing rents don’t go up in the two years between now and then, in reaction to Brooklyn being awarded the DNC.