Introducing DaveBucks, Brooklyn’s first artisanal, small batch currency!

This is totally real money.

This is totally real money.

These are small-batch currencies designed by locals and lovingly handled by millennials, who came of age during the rise of the Internet, the meltdown of the stock market and Edward Snowden’s National Security Agency revelations, and would be forgiven for becoming more wary of credit and debit cards

Once a marker of a business with suspicious tax practices, the phrase “cash only” has come to signify hipster entrepreneurialism at places like Stumptown Coffee at the Ace Hotel in Midtown Manhattan or the Emerson Bar in Brooklyn

The latest beloved institution to fall to the sword of millennial navel gazing (see: Credit card debt, McDonald’s, trash macrobrew, the auto industry, Hot Pockets, Broken Windows policing) is none other than the conccept of government-backed money itself, according to the New York Times. Coincidentally, we’ve been thinking about getting into the “This is totally real money we made ourselves” game and join our hip, entrpreneurial underdog brother like Stumptown Coffee at the Ace Hotel. So we’re introducing DaveBucks, the first Brokelyn-backed currency ever made by an editor at Brokelyn!

Are you the type of person who becomes “furious about fiat money and the debt” and starts ranting about how the government is tracking your purchases and has to be asked to leave the bodega before you can even buy your cigarettes? Well then DaveBucks are for you! Watched a few too many of those Ron Paul Message infomercials but don’t have enough money or computing power to purchase a crapload of precious metals or Bitcoin? Well then DaveBucks are for you! DaveBucks are a local, trusted currency, backed by the financial power and trustworthiness of tolerated blogger and local man about town, Dave Colon. Hey, that’s me! And I woudn’t lie to you.

What can you buy with DaveBucks? What CAN’T you buy with DaveBucks? We’ve worked out an exchange program with bartenders at some of our favorite bars, trusted resellers of New York Mets tickets and merchandise, local drug dealers, untrustworthy landlords who’ve given a handshake agreement they’ll take them, and this one cashier over at the Associated on Fulton and Franklin. So you can buy everything you need, from alcohol to drugs to Mets tickets and game-worn jerseys to food (as long as you go Mondays between 2pm and 4pm and get in Francesa’s line) without being part of a ridiculous fiat currency system backed up by nothing but the fantasy of the economic strength of the United States government.