What are the answers to Brooklyn’s unsolved summer mysteries?

green-wood cemetery clown

Yeah wait…what was the deal with this feaking clown?

We here at Brokelyn are sadly aware that Summer ’14 ended in spirit yesterday, on Labor Day. This year’s summer was known for two things: the temperate weather which we’re sure we’ll pay for with a winter hellscape, and the mysteries surrounding a group of events which have captivated us all of Brooklyn, probably.

The biggest mystery Brooklyn was scratching its head over this summer was the pair of white flags sitting atop the Brooklyn Bridge, put there in place of the American flags that adorned the top of one of the most beautiful structures in America. We’re not fans of freelance decoration of the Brooklyn Bridge in general here, but we have to admit, there was something sort of interesting about those flags. Who put them there, and why? Random jokes on Twitter claiming responsibility for the flags were also met with an outsized reaction by the authorities who were clearly frustrated with the lack of information they were able to unearth themselves. We had a bonafide caper on our hands.

Then we found out some German artists did it, and after we got over our relief that there wasn’t some sinister reason for the flags being put there, we settled in with the disappointing fact that it was some silly art thing. Anyway, we’re not getting burned by a mystery’s uninteresting resolution again. We already saw the last season of LOST. But hey, that was only one of the many mysteries swirling around our fair borough. We still have others, and we want answers. Interesting answers.

I. THE PROSPECT PARK SKELETON

Here’s what we know: A jogger in Prospect Park found it behind a wrought-iron fence, wearing a Nets hat, a white t-shirt, black shorts, lab goggles, and there was an American flag placed near it. Was it a symbol placed there by benevolent but ultimately callous heavenly forces, for all us fans of the Nets (or any team) to somberly consider as a warning against waiting for a championship because it’s never going to happen? That American professional sports as an enterprise is basically useless and we’re sinking time and money into a hobby that will never fulfill us emotionally the same way finding true love, raising a family, or having a really great beer would?

Or maybe, and this is our hope, it’s actually the remains of the BrooklyKnight, after the townsfolk punished that wretched creature for even existing in the first place? Is it another dumb art thing by like an Icelandian or something? We bet it’s another dumb art thing.

II. THE GREEN-WOOD CEMETERY CLOWN

Here’s what we know: A person dressed as a clown kept appearing in Green-Wood Cemebtery, which is sad and creepy to people who don’t know better but is really a little bit douchey for seeking attention in a somber place where the dead are buried. Also, he carried balloons and was simultaneously terrifying and irritating.

Did we ever figure out what marketing company he was shilling for? Was he actually a spirit, long departed, who’s stumbled onto our physical plane, and who struggled to return to the afterlife, and are we to pity him but also photograph him because lol, a clown in a cemetery but don’t get too close? We really hope it’s the second one, because that’s interesting. Just don’t let it be a dumb marketing stunt that some firm only half-committed to. We’ll be ready with our ghost-hunting gear.

III. GARBAGE BAGS FULL OF PEE

Here’s what we know: A Fort Greene apartment building’s basement is now apparently unusable after someone has filled garbage bags full of pee and then thrown them down the building’s garbage chute. Some of the bags have broken after gravity got a hold of them, and some of them have just slowly leaked out after getting thrown down, making this story as much of a nightmare as we can ever possibly imagine it to be.

We, unfortunately, have to ask: who’s throwing garbage bags full of piss down an apartment building garbage chute? Is it a prank or stunt or a final, sad chapter of someone’s downward spiral? Is it someone’s desperate attempt to get rid of evidence after they’ve been suspected of selling clean urine samples to people looking to dodge drug testing? How about if maybe… if maybe… Jesus, there’s really no way to explain this in a way that makes this less horrifying, so we’re going with the drug thing.

There are a few more mini-mysteries that we’ve been wondering about too: What the hell was with that dust devil tornado thing in Williamsburg, and who thought it was a good idea to call it a “hipster twister?” While we’re at it, who thought it was a good idea to build one of those sketchy donation boxes out of wood? And seriously, is anybody actually keeping watch over there at the Brooklyn Bridge?

Now that Labor Day’s finally passed, we’re already frustrated enough that the summer is fast becoming a memory and we all have to get back to working hard. Do we really need the transition to cold weather to be worse by being left with all these open-ended mysteries driving us crazy enough to throw bags of piss down apartment building garbage chutes? Then again, while we’ll be rooting for interesting endings to these urban legends in the making, we can always just make up our own to tell around the rooftop campfire once next summer rolls around.

Follow Dave for more unsolved mysteries at @DaveRosado

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