Jay-Z’s attitude was once described as one of a man who treats every day like it’s “his birthday, Christmas, and the Fourth Of July combined.” Which means today must be particularly epic for him, since today is the 43rd anniversary of the day his mom gave birth to him with a painless delivery. Yes, Jay-Z turns 43 today, but in a way, we feel bad for him. What the hell do you get a man who owns a plane and five passports and a litany of expensive watches and a club and a goddamn basketball team? We’ve got some ideas actually.
Breakfast in Breuklen: What’s more baller than an $85 breakfast? Sure Jay can probably get quail eggs on demand, but are the quails locally raised and treated humanely? Do they come with Bourbon Blueberry Jam? Hell no they don’t.
The “Rosie” from Victory Chicken: Jay is gonna be spending some time at home now, raising his kid and being a dad. What better way to pass the time than to raise chickens along with Blue Ivy? He can even teach them to crow the hook from “Hola Hovito“. And with a price tag of $785, you know the chickens will be smart enough to learn.
American Apparel sale items: And speaking of being a dad, this now means that Jay-Z is going to start feeling out of touch from the kids, maybe even start wearing dad jeans. What better way to deny the eventual ravages of age then by buying cut-rate American Apparel t-shirts or underwear?
Bob Revolution SE Single Stroller: Obviously Blue Ivy already has a baller stroller. But in true baller tradition, you need at least one more, just in case you get bored with the first one. And this $360 stroller has it all: sick suspension, 5-inch rims and it fits with the aesthetic of the man who brought us all black everything.
iCog Hades: Wooden Steampunk Case: Another way for Hov to deny his rapidly approaching big 5-0 is to jump on a ridiculous trend that the kids love. Might we suggest steampunk stuff from Etsy? Jay probably owns an iPad at this point, but what better way to take care of an expensive piece of metal than put it in wood? Durable, trusty wood. At $424, it costs more than some iPads, which is ridiculous normally but a total plus when it comes to conspicuous consumption.
“Brooklyn” t-shirt, from Opening Ceremony: Maybe, maybe not. Jay did say that he’s more into a crisp pair of jeans and button ups nowadays, so maybe the shirt is a bit too casual for him at this point? On the other hand, do any of your t-shirts cost $85?
And hey Hov, if you need some ideas for where to hold your party, we’ve got your back!