Go fly a kite, and 13 other ways to rock the weekend

The Empire Kites Back. via @brooklynkitefestival

The Empire Kites Back. via @brooklynkitefestival

1. Learn Italian, because you never know if Italy will invade and conquer us someday. Oh sure they say we’re on the same side, but you know in your heard you don’t believe that (Friday)

2. Get a cheap tattoo, because what else are you doing with all that skin on your body? (Friday)

3. Word on the street is that Hullabaloo Books is opening, so go check out what they’ve got and buy a book. Even if you’re illiterate, a book is a good decoration! (Friday)

4. Go fly a kite. No seriously, go fly a kite at Brooklyn Bridge Park. We’ve never understood why that’s an insult, flying a kite is fun (Saturday)

5. Tickets are still available for My Morning Jacket’s Patrick Hallahan serving you pancakes and pulled pork, and you treating this famous music guy like a lowly service employee (Saturday)

6. Babeland is celebrating being 20 with a cocktail party and free sex tips. When we celebrated our 20th birthday, there was alcohol, but instead of sex tips there was just a lot of crying (Saturday)

7. It’s allegedly the last day on Earth for Jackie’s Fifth Amendment, so go pay your respects. And if it’s not, then hey, you’re at a bar, you love bars! (Saturday)

8. It’s vintage music video night at Videology, but not like, mainstream videos, stuff like Public Image Ltd, and then there’ll be even more obscure music spun by a DJ who’s too cool for (baby DJ) school (Saturday)

9. There’s a good old fashioned street fair along the Columbia Street waterfront, provided your old fashioned street fairs had music and food (Saturday)

10. Watch some crazy people hit each other with cardboard tubes in McCarren Park, and wonder how this experiment known as America went so terribly wrong (Saturday)

11. Check out the Flatbush Frolic. It’s kind of like the Atlantic Antic but a little smaller and calmer (Sunday)

12. Gala Gala Hey! is a whole festival celebrating apples, so there’ll be apple pie. But it’s at a bar, so you also get cider too. Because we all know it’s not a real party unless booze is involved (Sunday)

13. Mike Birbiglia is popping in to Union Hall to try out some new stuff on you, the willing audience. And then when the bits become wildly popular, you can claim you heard them first (Sunday)

14. It’s almost time for Andy Samberg’s Brooklyn cop show, so remember the days when he was but a humble movie star by seeing Hot Rod at Canal Bar (Sunday)